Birthday Blues

I know that each milestone after a death or a tragedy is difficult. Every holiday or "first"without the loved one in a painful reminder of that loss. I know that in my head, but it doesn't make it any easier. Thursday is my birthday and I know it is going to be incredibly painful. My mom was one of those people who made birthdays really special. She went over the top to make sure that you received as many of the gifts you wanted plus extras, a fantastic birthday dinner of your favorite foods and a cake of your choice. Last year she had a friend pick up Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake from Costco because that's what I really wanted. She was thoughtful like that, eager to please because she loved to bring joy to those she loved.

This year my birthday falls on a Thursday, the same day of the week that I was born. Unfortunately it's a work day and that means the little celebration we will have won't be until the evening. My dad is grilling me steaks with sides, my husband is supposed to pick up a dessert. I'll probably get a couple gifts and I'm sure my dad will have an excellent bottle of wine or two which will hopefully help numb the awful hole in my heart. The rest of the day will be harder, though. There's nothing like a long day to contemplate what you're missing.

I did get a little surprise party from my brother and sister-in-law when we visited and that meant a lot. My sister-in-law seems to have a knack for surprises and cheering people up and her efforts, while unable to replace my mom were thoughtful, special and comforting.

As a child one is often disappointed when one doesn't receive the perfect gift for birthday or Christmas, but it's a disappointment easily forgotten, easily soothed. It passes you by after a while. All I want for my birthday (Okay I do want a new camera but it's a far second) is my mom back and it's the one thing I can't have...not now, not next year, not any time on earth. The worst part is that the one thing I can't have cannot be forgotten because she is the one person who could make me forget what I wanted...the endless cycle of wanting and not having. It's a confusing blur or reasoning and grief.