Storms

Tonight I am sleepless again, despite my exhaustion. I eventually fell asleep, but now I'm awake again and facing who knows how many hours of a sleepless night. It's a much quieter night than a week ago. Last Thursday night we were assailed by a tremendous wind and rain storm where winds here reached 70mph, downing trees, strewing branches, ripping off some of our siding, knocking off the top of our chimney, ripping roof tiles from the church across the street and smashing Chris's rear car windshield. It was wild and frightening. The siding and tree branches were banging so loudly and the wind was so dangerous, we moved our mattress, ourselves and all three kids to the dining room for the night. We fully expected a branch or some other object to come ripping through one of the many bedroom windows. We lost power and spent last Friday tired, cold and trying to keep the fridge and freezer cold. Our power was only out a night and a day, my dad's house was out for two. It was a freak storm to come this time of year in this form, but considering the earthquakes and Tsunami, not to mention the inches of snow in places like Atlanta and Dallas this winter as well as DC being buried under storm after storm, I'd say the weather has gone mad this season or we're facing a mini Armageddon!

My own biggest personal storm seems to be fighting my demons as I lie awake and unsleeping at night. This past week has been especially bad with two really bad nights (including tonight) and one night of good sleep, only to be followed by an entire morning of grogginess. Melatonin may or may not help. The over the counter sleep meds I can take a half dose of here and there help, but leave me in that groggy state for much longer than they should. My body has always reacted differently to many drugs. Right now is tough. I'm facing the triple challenge of genetics, a bit of PTSS and hormones, all of which contribute to my sleepless nights and prolonged waking. Often it happens because one of the kids wakes me up and I can't fall back asleep. Tonight I never really fell into a deep sleep and then woke up on my own. Considering the full schedule on my plate tomorrow of pick up and drop offs, errands and doctor's appointments, it's going to be a long day if I don't get much rest.

I know how sleep deprivation affects me. I know that my entire outlook on life is tainted in an ugly, hopeless way when I am tired and exhausted. Yet I seem helpless to control it or the feelings of sadness, frustrations, discouragement, loneliness, anxiety and low self-esteem that usually accompany it. All the little things seem magnified and my patience becomes non-existent. Honestly, I don't see a solution. Somehow I think even the strictest regiment of sleep meds, meditation, quiet bedtime routine etc won't really help. I wish I knew what to do, how to change this part of my life that leaves me drained of happiness, energy and will to get the tough things done. I feel like crying out, "Are you out there, God? Can you hear me? You're supposed to be the Great Physician and Healer, can't you fix this?"

Olympic Figure Skating

Tonight is the final for Women's Olympic Figure Skating. I'm cheering for the Canadian, Joannie Rochette. How could I do otherwise?

Florida

We went to Florida for vacation last week. We stayed with my Nana at her place down there. It was a mixed experience. It was nice to be away. It was nice to have a break from the tedium of every day life. It was especially nice to have my husband there with us. It was hard in other ways though. Looking back at the passage of time, remembering things that should have been happy memories but made me sad instead. I am glad that my kids enjoyed time in the pool despite the rather cool weather and I'm glad we got to go to the beach, even though it was cold. I wish I hadn't been so melancholy, but at least I got lots of rest and that helps my mentality a lot. For example I'm not doing so hot tonight but I'm completely sleep deprived from being up with a very sick little boy with massive congestion, a fever and an ear infection. I need sleep and thus I miss Florida most for that.

New Year's Resolutions

The holidays are over and I'm a bit relieved. There were some good moments and things went as well as they could, but it was still very hard and I'm glad to have it all over and done with for now. I sincerely hope that next Christmas is easier, but I have no idea how these things go as I've never had to deal with loss on this level before.

All that being said, while I am struggling with a lot right now I am resolved to try and change the tune of this blog away from all my morbid and depressing musings. That isn't to say that I won't ever talk about my grief, my struggles and sadness, as they are an integral part of who I am right now. It does mean, however, that I intend to try and focus more on the positive things in my life, looking at what I have, rather than what I have lost.

I do have three beautiful children. I do have a loving husband. I do have a great dad. I do have my fun-loving brother and sister-in-law. I do have other family. I have some of the greatest friends in the world (you know who you are) who have not just supported me, but walked with me through the darkest hours of my life. Do no underestimate the power of a good friend to encourage and keep you going when you want to give up.

I still feel very confused about my life. There has been a lot of unexpected. I'm not sure where I'm going or where I'm supposed to be. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do some days. I don't know how to handle certain things. I don't know how to overcome certain emotional handicaps. I don't even know who to trust some days, including God and men. I do know that I will continue to move forward, one foot at a time. I may feel like I'm plowing through an endless desert and other days I may feel like I'm floating through an endless void of space, but I will keep moving.

Just Can't Say No

My mom was not good at saying, "no" to people. Oh she had gotten a little better over the years, but she still tried to do a lot. I like to think that I do say "no" more often than she did, but now I realize I don't. I'm a sucker for a fun project and I feel bad not helping someone out. No wonder she was so stressed. No wonder I am so stressed. I am always behind and my house is always a mess...that sounds familiar too. Maybe I'll never learn...

Impossible Expectations

I think my mom always put too much on herself at the holidays, but I understand, because I'm doing it too. And on top of my own list of to dos, I feel like I have to fill her shoes in some respects as well. My close family have been telling me not to do too much and I don't have to be Mom, but I feel like if I don't do such and such, then who will? Now I'm exhausted, sick and stressed. I want to enjoy this season and instead I'm just trying to get through it. I seem to feel obligated to do everything and yet so many things I don't have a choice about. How do I make it all simple? Isn't that what Mom was trying to figure out for the past who knows how many years? She never did figure it out. How am I supposed to?

On top of the stress and sickness is also the sadness. As I attempt to plow my way through each day I find myself alternating among, stress and anxiety, comfort and joy and tears of grief. The other night my eldest said she couldn't remember what Nana looked like anymore and it about broke my heart. I whipped out a photo album lickity split, but I wanted to weep that this day had finally come.

Acknowledging Mom's Sacrifice

I never fully understood just how much work a mother does, just how much of herself, her time, etc she gives up for her children until I had kids of my own. It saddens me that just as I was really starting to understand my mother better than I ever had before, just as we were really becoming best friends because we finally understood each other - she was taken from me.

I have missed my mom and appreciated just how much she did for all of us, especially the past couple of weeks. This weekend, especially has been miserable for me as I came down with a nasty cold complete with sore throat, head ache, congestion and body aches. I spent most of yesterday either in bed or on the futon staring aimlessly at Christmas Television specials, a tribute to just how bad I was feeling. Usually when I'm sick I like to indulge my passion for reading, but my head has hurt so badly and my eyes have stung so much that the only thing I was able to force my way through was a chapter in the Bible and a short chapter in a prayer book. Today I felt awful too, missing church AGAIN as well as my oldest daughter's singing debut at the Christmas Singing program tonight at church. Despite my misery I still went to my Dad's and helped decorate a tree, baked a cake and corn pudding for my grandfather's birthday tomorrow, fed my son and got him to bed, collected, sorted and started laundry and did all of the dishes for the past two days. It's insane that I would push myself to do all of that when I feel so yucky, horrible, but my family needs me. What else was I to do?

It isn't just the being sick though, it's the craziness of the holidays. First it was Thanksgiving dinner. Now it is wrapping gifts, getting teach gifts together, sending Christmas cards and baking about a zillion cookies. I've already made 4 kinds and somehow I need to make two more large batches for a school Christmas party and Women's Christmas evening, both of them on Wednesday. Oh and did I mention we're going to be gone all day Tuesday? How did my mother do it all?

Okay, she didn't do it all. She often paid extra shipping to get packages to out of town family on time. She usually had me helping with cookies and one year the sugar cookies didn't get iced until New Years when she gave the task to my brother and sister-in-law (then his girlfriend), a scary prospect considering most of the little cookie people ended up with huge red cinnamon eyes. Mom's presents were never under the tree until Christmas morning. She stayed up half the night on Christmas eve, wrapping gifts and doing stockings and even then half her gifts didn't have tags. She got to the point where she threw most things in a bag because it was faster, easier and she could peek under the tissue paper if she forgot what the gift was or who it was for!

But despite her inability to provide all the Christmas amenities in a perfect manner, she had what really mattered...a loving heart, a listening ear, a giving spirit. She was always finding ways to help people who needed it during the holidays. She knew that the real meaning of Christmas was not about tinsel or parties or gifts or cookies or gourmet meals, but about a tiny baby born in Bethlehem who came to save us all. She lived her life, giving and sacrificing in joy and gratefulness for what her saviour had done for her. I can only hope to achieve her level of sacrifice some far distant day in the future. So thanks, Mom, thanks for everything. I miss you and I love you and Christmas is so much harder without you, but I won't forget the things you taught me and hopefully they will make my Christmas season a little easier this year.