I think my mom always put too much on herself at the holidays, but I understand, because I'm doing it too. And on top of my own list of to dos, I feel like I have to fill her shoes in some respects as well. My close family have been telling me not to do too much and I don't have to be Mom, but I feel like if I don't do such and such, then who will? Now I'm exhausted, sick and stressed. I want to enjoy this season and instead I'm just trying to get through it. I seem to feel obligated to do everything and yet so many things I don't have a choice about. How do I make it all simple? Isn't that what Mom was trying to figure out for the past who knows how many years? She never did figure it out. How am I supposed to?
On top of the stress and sickness is also the sadness. As I attempt to plow my way through each day I find myself alternating among, stress and anxiety, comfort and joy and tears of grief. The other night my eldest said she couldn't remember what Nana looked like anymore and it about broke my heart. I whipped out a photo album lickity split, but I wanted to weep that this day had finally come.
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I am glad to hear that you are understanding what other people are seeing you try to do this Christmas season. I am so sorry for the hurt and pain that you are dealing with, along with all the expectations you feel are a part of life right now. I wish I could help you and maybe find some new traditions to take the weight off trying to fulfill all the old ones. I love you and pray that the Peace on earth will come to your heart and life this Christmas. <3
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