Holiday Blues

This year's holiday season is a lot harder than I expected. I know that the first holidays after losing a loved one are supposed to be difficult, but because of the extremely difficult circumstances last year, I expected it be different. I was so wrong. Last year I didn't do a lot of usual traditions or activities. I was just trying to get by. I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas. I honestly wanted to skip it. I also had a new baby, which tends to slow one down. This year I am trying to do all of the usual activities and it's killing me emotionally. I pull out decorations, I cry. I listen to Christmas music, I cry. I do anything related to Christmas traditions, I cry. Sometimes I don't cry. Sometimes I decide that it's an inappropriate time or place or I don't want to upset my kids and I shove it down inside. Later it comes back out as anger. I've been so ridiculously angry lately. It's resulted in impatience, angry words etc. It has not been a good couple of weeks and I still have so far to go to get through the season. I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to be better. I want to be full of joy and peace and patience and kindness. I want my kids to be able to enjoy the season, not to have to live with a psycho-emotional mom who is doing a crappy job of parenting at the moment.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm discouraged. Fighting the battles of life is never easy, but this year I feel like I've been forced to fight more than my share. Sometimes it seems however long and hard I pray, I hear nothing. I wonder if anyone else is feeling that way this season.