Facing the Closet: A Bittersweet Tale

Imagine if you will, being led into a huge closet full of clothes, most of them around your size. There are bins of hats, scarves, purses, belts and shoes. You find that there are still two more hanging bags of clothes, several bins and another small closet full of nice clothing items...oh, and you can choose anything you want to wear out of all of this. That was me yesterday. And while the clothes were beautiful and I desperately need some serious help with my dwindling, shabby wardrobe, it was a heart breaking experience. This was my mom's closet. 

Yes, she is still living, but even if the unthinkable miracle happens and she some how gains her awareness and conscience self back, the paralysis would be extensive enough that she would never wear most of those things again. My dad wants my mom's beautiful things to be used, worn, enjoyed by those of us females who are close to her... and as her only daughter, I get first pick. It's like a dream come true all wrapped up in a living nightmare. I felt like a little kid who's dad just took her to the candy store and said, "Have whatever you want," but the reason for being there is because the kid's dog died. It is the pinnacle of bitter-sweet.

As I gently worked my way through skirts and blouses and dresses and sweaters and pants and jackets and so much more I could picture my mom in many of those things, knew that she wore that hooded sweatshirt at the lake and that blouse when it was really warm out. That dress was a favorite even though I thought it was out dated and those pants thrilled me when she got them because I though she was finally dressing more en vogue. I only did a cursory run though and will have to go back through things much more extensively. For the time being I did take a pile of things, light weight spring and summer items, most of which I had never seen her wear...it made them easier to take and will make them easier to wear having no memories of her in them. One dress still has the price tag on it, never worn before. Eventually I'll have to deal with the more sentimental items and that will be hard, but for now I'm playing it mostly safe. I have to keep repeating to myself that Mom always said, "People are more important than things," and I know that there is nothing there that is not replaceable.

I'm going to have to work through the clothes and accessories with other clothes family members and friends...this is my project now. It's hard, really hard, but I'll get through it. In the mean time I have to figure out how to wear these beautiful things that I desperately need and yet hesitate to put on. As I type I'm wearing some of my old clothes that I've had for a while, not quite able to bring myself to put on any of the beautiful things in that pile on my rocking chair...but I will eventually, I will.