Not Doing Well

The title of this post about sums it up, all of it, my mom, my week, my family and especially me. Sometimes I think it is a curse to have the ability to physically keep it "all together" when I'm living in the middle of heart-breaking tragedy. People see me coping what appears to be extraordinarily well and think I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine, VERY NOT fine. Internally, emotionally I'm falling to pieces. Part of it is coming to terms that we're nearing the 6-month anniversary of the accident and that my mom is not going to get better - ever, at least not on this earth. She is very slowly, little by little fading away as she fights infections, pneumonia, bed sores and all the rest that comes from being in a persistent vegetative state. I know there are people out there still holding out hope that my mom is going to somehow miraculously wake up and become who she was before, but it's not going to happen. It's not that God isn't all powerful, it's that generally speaking He chooses to operate according to the laws of nature and naturally speaking, a person with a traumatic brain injury does not suddenly or even gradually recover from this state after 6 months. I would have to be pretty full of myself to believe that God would go against his own natural laws just to please me.

That being said my heart is heavy and my body reaping the physical results of emotional turmoil. I've been fighting a cold all week and finally lost. I've been spacey, absent minded, clumsy, scatter-brained, a mess. Whatever I touch seems to go wrong. I had trouble getting my printer to print tax forms, flooded my kitchen, made my usual yummy lasagna bland, lost patience with my kids and then forgot to discipline them, let my apartment turn into a disaster zone and almost had to walk out of my small group when someone shared a prayer request too close to home and with a happy ending, unlike ours. I'm desperate to be around people, to laugh, be loved, share friendship and yet I get to a group and can barely speak, barely formulate the turmoil that is in my heart. I'm a wreck and can't even communicate it, don't know how to tell people what I'm feeling since they obviously can't read my sad, tired eyes. I feel empty, cold, alone, incapable even of loving those closest to me. They think I'm fine and I'm not fine.