Surfacing

I'm here, for those who are wondering. I'm still in one piece, albeit a rather broken and cracked piece. Sometimes it helps to process things in words. Sometimes there is no good way to take the words and thoughts in my head and put them on a page. Sometimes I want to write and I'm just too darn tired and exhausted. Me, my thoughts and emotions have been hiding below the surface and now I'm trying to push my way to the top and it's causing ripples throughout my life.

Exhaustion is the name of the game these days. Physical, emotional, mental. We plow through each day like we are walking through bricks or a sea of concrete. Some days I smile, occasionally I laugh. Most days I feel sad, though I don't cry every day now. People still ask how we are doing. I usually answer that we are muddling along. What else can I say? People ask how my dad is doing. I think usually I say that it is tough but he's coping. What I want to say is, "He just lost his wife! How do you think he's doing?!" With all the couples out there that have been divorced or unfaithful or uncaring it seems so unfair that my parents would be separated by my mom's death. They would have been married 35 years this September, not something to scoff at these days.

There are certain things I've done, others I haven't. I've written acknowledgements for flowers and donations. I've been to the cemetery and watered the flowers that were there for a while. I've gone through all of my mom's clothes. I've made a book for Dakota with all of the photos of her and my mom together. I'm planning to do the same for Cassie. I've thrown birthday celebrations for my husband and daughter. I've celebrated my 7th wedding anniversary on the day the newspaper article I didn't like ran about my mom...I haven't written back to many people on e-mail. I haven't gone through my mom's Bible or old notes she's written me. I haven't read through all of the hundreds of cards the family has received. I haven't figured out how we're going to get through the 4th without her, a celebration she was always an integral part of. I haven't figured out how to live in a world without my mom.