Where is Peace?

I'm realizing that my life has taken on certain patterns- restlessness, fatigue, a feeling of needing to belong, to latch on to something of meaning, the endless pursuit of mindless distractions to try and drive the demons away. I lack peace. There is only one place peace comes from and that is Christ, but right now he is so far off. I feel like I am wandering through a mindless void where each day is a pursuit to fill the void. Again, stupid of me, only God can fill that void. But if God doesn't appear to be anywhere near, how can He fill it?

I'm tired, my mind is numb. I don't have the energy to fight anymore, to question, to shake my fists at the heavens. Instead an apathy has taken over my mind, my heart and my limbs. I'm tired of making an effort to understand, to find spiritual peace and understanding. I want to give up, stop walking and sit down. Or at the very least I want someone to come walking along, to help me up, and to help me as I stumble through the darkness. I want a guide, a mentor, an advisor, someone older and wiser to tell me that God is still there, that life won't always seem so tedious and then to stay with me until the horizon brightens. Hmm, seems ironic that my mom did that for me so many times and I didn't even realize it at the time. Now at the darkest time, in the biggest test, she's gone.

I'm tired of feeling this way, tired of living this way, tired of playing the hypocrite. I'm tired of living with two faces, the public, "Oh I'm muddling along" face and the private"I'm living in a dark, meaningless void" face. It's a shame that we feel the need to put our best foot forward, to pretend that we are some sort of spiritual giants, emotional champs, courageous warriors...when in fact we aren't. We're just broken, sad, sinful people...at least I am.