Fighting Discontent

Lately I've found myself thinking back to where I was a year ago and I recall all the difficulties we were experiencing. Back then everything seemed so darn frustrating and while we certainly had a number of weighty concerns on our plate, they were of course nothing compared to the life-changing traumatic event that was to soon take place. Back then I think I was very petty, very bitter, very angry, moreover -very discontent.

I wish I could say that life's weighty experiences have taught me to be completely transformed, but I'm not there. While I've certainly tasted hard lessons in thankfulness, grace and God's provision, I still find myself sliding into that uneasy feeling of being unhappy with how things are happening and where we are going. The temptation is to blame it all on grief, sadness and loss, excusing my feelings as being both legitimate and allowable. While they certainly are legit, however, my feelings of brokenheartedness of even disappointment in God are not an excuse for sliding back into feelings of self-pity, anger and frustration at how things are not going according to my desired life plan. I suppose it shows some improvement that I can recognize all of this in myself, but it doesn't seem to make finding contentedness and peace any easier.

So often I find myself bemoaning the piles of stuff we own and longing to simplify. I think there is a lot to be said for not allowing our possessions to own us and finding joy in the little things. I' trying to do that, but it isn't easy, especially when so many previously mundane items now have extreme sentimentality tied up in them because of the relationship to my mother. It is going to take me a long time to be able to "let go" of certain things, especially those that are being newly discovered and delivered to my door via my father on a somewhat haphazard, but regular basis. In the meantime I am fighting really hard to be grateful for what I have, rejoice in little things and savor the happy moments I experience.