Waiting for Retrospection

The problem with living in the wake of a major life tragedy is that even if you want to "get over the hump" so to speak it doesn't just happen. I really want to get to the other side of this emotional and spiritual desert where I may not have complete understanding of the whys but at least I can see how God may have used some aspect of everything for good. But you can't rush these things, and that has been a huge frustration to me. I don't want to be stuck in a spiritual desert. I want to be in green pastures giving a powerful testimony to people around me. Unfortunately the time line is not my own, it's God's.

This week I finally found some encouragement in the midst of this particular frustration. Five and half years ago after having some minor trouble getting pregnant I had an ectopic pregnancy and ended up not only losing the baby but possibly the chance of ever having my own children. During that time I was struggling with anger, frustration and a profound grief. I didn't understand why God would not only take away my tiny unborn baby, but also my chance to ever be a mother. As you know if you know me, God was ultimately sovereign and today I have three beautiful children, all amazing miracles in my opinion. At the time I couldn't see how God could possibly bring anything good out of the situation, but in fact he did. I can't say how many friends and acquaintances I have been able to talk to, empathize with and comfort in regards to pregnancy loss and infertility. In fact, in the past week and half I've had conversations with or written to two people on these subjects. God has given me a testimony and the ability to use something very sad and difficult in my own life to help others. It is this that gives me hope that some day I'll be able to use all of the horrible experiences of the past year to give testimony and help others.