One of those days/weeks/months

It's one of those days when I just want to pick up the phone and call my mom because trying to get through it myself is exhausting. Up at 6 after a bad night of sleep, out the door at 7:30, drop the younger two kids at a friends, pick up my dad, drop Dakota at preschool, drop my dad at the train, run into CVS, scoot out to the lab for my glucose test, up to my midwives appointment, back down to the lab, back up to the office for a shot of roGam, off to a couple quick errands, stop at the post office to have mail held for my dad, pick up the younger two kids, pick up Dakota at preschool, home again to try and do lunch and get everyone down for naps or quiet time!!!! Those are just the scheduled events of the morning! They don't include that my heartburn is driving me nuts, I'm so tired I can barely stand, the middle child is whining, the youngest fell asleep in the car and won't sleep now, or that I just found out the next two Wednesdays have school related events over lunch that conflict with the youngest's nap schedule. It's times' like these I NEED my mom. I need her to do the errands for Dad and keep my kids when they need naps and I have conflicts, and fix me a snack guaranteed to help me feel better and listen to me complain about doing my glucose test AND getting a shot of roGam (which leaves me sore for a couple days) in the same day and tell me it will all be okay and pray that I can get some rest. Maybe it's selfish, but I miss you, Mom!!!

This Week

This week was a tough week. We had another family tragedy. One week ago my cousin called my dad very upset because after not hearing from her mom for two days she went to her house and found her on the couch unresponsive. She called 911 and at the hospital it was determined my aunt had had a major stroke. She died later that afternoon. She was only 59. Technically my cousin is my second cousin and my aunt is my dad's first cousin, but growing up they and my great aunt spent just about every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter with us. We saw them more than any of our other family.

I'll be honest,it could have been a lot worse and either the fact that I hadn't seen my aunt a lot recently or maybe the fact that I've hardened myself somewhat to death and tragedy in the past couple years meant I handled the whole thing very well...well, sort of. It's amazing what the subconscious does when you've experienced similar trauma. Emotionally I had a rough week and little things felt a lot bigger. I felt sad and down a lot and even had a couple of small anxiety attacks for no obvious reason. I had more trouble falling asleep, images that wouldn't leave me head and thoughts I didn't want to have. My heart bled for my cousin, knowing exactly what it feel like to lose a mother and in her case being an only child. When her son, the same age as my oldest daughter said he missed his Grammie at the funeral service the tears welled up as I thought of my own girls saying they missed their Nana so many times in the past year.

My family certainly seems to be getting the short end of the stick in recent years. It seems unfair but what can I do about it? I am not happy about it and I still feel anger and lots of sadness and discouragement, but at least I feel like I am finally experiencing glimpses of something, not understanding and not happiness but maybe some peace or contentment that I cannot have answers.

My aunt's funeral was done by one of the generic funeral directors and I wasn't thrilled about everything he said. It sounded like a lot of fluff to me to be honest. The thing that really got to me though was something he said about knowing God so we can allow him to comfort us, love us and give us understanding about why these things happen. WOW, okay, let's just stop right there. God does NOT just give us answers like that. He does not sit us down during personal devotions or prayer time and say, "Hey, here's why I allowed these horrible things to happen in my grand plan and here are all the benefits." He may give us peace, maybe contentment (maybe), and perhaps even glimpses of things that do result in His blessings and glory, but He isn't going to give us straight answers. He is God and as such his wisdom and purposes are beyond our understanding. This side of Heaven we won't know why things happen other than that there is sin and we live in a fallen world where bad things can and will happen.

Those are my thoughts for this week. I expect at least the next couple to still be difficult and the approaching anniversary of my mom's death won't help, but hopefully I can get through it with minimal damage and set-backs. I do wish, however, that people would keep reminding me what a difficult month this must be for me. I am well aware of it without the reminders and while I know people mean well, sometimes it's harder to have people keep bringing it up.

More Severe Mercy

Blow upon blow. Tragedy after tragedy. I joked that they could write another "Series of Unfortunate Events" and model it after my life, or that of my family and yet it isn't necessarily untrue. More events have unfolded leaving me bewildered and confused. Does God really bring such suffering on people? And yet these two things have been developing in my mind, a Severe Mercy and the Hound of Heaven. I cannot put them fully into words now, but in all this, even in these new blows, this was and is a severe mercy and it may just be that each new thing though terrible is purposeful and this is really all a big trap laid by the Hound of Heaven.

Waste of time...

I'm pretty sure blogging on here is a waste of my time. Very few people even read this and yet I still have to be paranoid about what I write because if I'm too deep or real about my feelings people think I'm freakin' suicidal or something crazy like that. I guess most people really have no idea what it is like to have your whole world, your whole life, everything you think, believe, hope - turned upside down on you. Add to it the pressures of being a mom of three very young children, a husband who commutes a long way to work, people who say they want to be involved in your life but aren't, pregnancy hormones and ills and insomnia and you have a regular recipe for disaster in the form of loneliness, discouragement and sadness. I really want to be clinically depressed so someone can give me a pill and make me snap out of it, but I really don't think I am. I am so tired and discouraged most days that little things become big deals but I am neither unable to function daily tasks or suicidal. I am just miserable. I love my husband, I love my kids. Without them I would be nothing right now, but all the little ills and discouragements saturated with sadness and loss and feelings of helplessness and worthlessness and inability to control anything so permeate my life that I can't even enjoy the beautiful blessings I do have. It's sad, but I don't really know what to do about it or who to talk to. My husband listens and advises, but I don't listen well to him because I am so close to him. I feel like a burden to those around me, either being realistic and discouraging or a faker covering up and pretending. I'm worried I'm going to screw up my kids with my own thoughts and mental misconceptions. It's a tough life right now.

So you want to know how I'm doing...

I have a lot of people ask me that question, "So how are you doing?" Here's the crux of the matter. I could tell you how I'm "really" doing, but most of you don't merit that sort of answer. The depths of the emotions and feelings I have experienced over the past year and a half have been beyond even what I know how to cope with. And the truth is, it is very difficult for me to be completely honest with the vast numbers of people who seem to pop in and out of my life on such a spontaneous basis that it makes my head spin.

I know that all of us as human beings live busy lives and have things that come up, but if you want to be in my life, please make it somewhat consistent and please communicate with me that you're busy when you are. I can't bare my heart and soul to people who disappear or aren't around when they say they will be. It just hurts too much. I miss my mom like crazy and I'm so lonely. There are days when my kids seem out of control and all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my mom, but I can't, and usually I go through a mental list of who to call and can't figure out someone. It's days like that that leave me discouraged and lower than before.

Easter

The bulbs I planted last fall at my mother's grave are in bloom, at least the crocuses and daffodils are. The tulips and hyacinths will bloom in a little while. The kids and I placed and extra batch of cut daffodils in the "vase" at the headstone on Friday and the whole family stopped by on our way to church yesterday. It seems unfair to have to start Easter morning that way, but we needed to do it and at least it was pretty with the flowers and the the weather was warm and sunny so at least there wasn't a feeling of impending doom or something.

Despite my nursery committee duties I managed to make it through most of the Easter service (though I missed part of the sermon taking the girls to the bathroom) and the only minor mishap was the loss of one of our pagers. Though I didn't particularly enjoy spending the whole of the fellowship time after service crawling around on the floor of the auditorium looking for it and walking up and down listening for it as it was paged over and over, it was rather minor compared to all the things that could have happened. The weather was beautiful and we didn't even need sweaters in the morning, a first in the history of Easter around here.

After a brief, light, lunch, we headed to my dad's which is where I had the first inkling that maybe this was going to be harder than I thought. The preparation of dinner fell soley on my shoulders with my husband watching the kids and my dad helping with things like setting the table, putting lawn furniture out for people outside and working on clean-up. None of the kids took a nap. L had fallen asleep briefly in nursery and that killed his nap prospects. The other two were just too worked up, tough at least the kids were able to spend the afternoon running around the backyard in shorts and t-shirts while I baked two cakes and rolls, heated the ham and made three side dishes. The food prep went better than expected and all was pretty much served on time, but I was tired from being on my feet and getting no nap. I did have to take a couple breaks where I sat and waited for thinks to bake or cook or snipped beans or whatever needed to be waited for at the time.

It was after dinner that all started to head south. L had taken a late, during dinner nap and woke up freaking out, something he never really stopped doing until later after he'd had a long bath at home and been laid down in his crib for the second attempt at bedtime. The girls were so wound up from the sugar that they couldn't stop bouncing off the walls and couldn't even follow simple directions. I was tired and I think my dad was frustrated by all the end work of the meal that I ended up not being able to help with because of dealing with the kids. C had to oversee and ended up doing 2/3 of the pick up of all the mess they'd made while playing after dinner. I left feeling tired, discouraged and down and cried half of the way home.

I know that my hormones and emotions play a big role in how I perceive everything, as does this horrible lack of sleep. I'm tired of waking up like this during the night and being unable to sleep and losing hours of my precious sleep time to tossing, turning, and agonizing over various things since my mind refuses to shut down. Still, I just can't help but feel that things wouldn't have been this way if Mom had been around. I think having P and A would have helped too, but they are still half-way across the country.

Happy Easter to all. I hope it was a happier and an easier one than mine.

Storms

Tonight I am sleepless again, despite my exhaustion. I eventually fell asleep, but now I'm awake again and facing who knows how many hours of a sleepless night. It's a much quieter night than a week ago. Last Thursday night we were assailed by a tremendous wind and rain storm where winds here reached 70mph, downing trees, strewing branches, ripping off some of our siding, knocking off the top of our chimney, ripping roof tiles from the church across the street and smashing Chris's rear car windshield. It was wild and frightening. The siding and tree branches were banging so loudly and the wind was so dangerous, we moved our mattress, ourselves and all three kids to the dining room for the night. We fully expected a branch or some other object to come ripping through one of the many bedroom windows. We lost power and spent last Friday tired, cold and trying to keep the fridge and freezer cold. Our power was only out a night and a day, my dad's house was out for two. It was a freak storm to come this time of year in this form, but considering the earthquakes and Tsunami, not to mention the inches of snow in places like Atlanta and Dallas this winter as well as DC being buried under storm after storm, I'd say the weather has gone mad this season or we're facing a mini Armageddon!

My own biggest personal storm seems to be fighting my demons as I lie awake and unsleeping at night. This past week has been especially bad with two really bad nights (including tonight) and one night of good sleep, only to be followed by an entire morning of grogginess. Melatonin may or may not help. The over the counter sleep meds I can take a half dose of here and there help, but leave me in that groggy state for much longer than they should. My body has always reacted differently to many drugs. Right now is tough. I'm facing the triple challenge of genetics, a bit of PTSS and hormones, all of which contribute to my sleepless nights and prolonged waking. Often it happens because one of the kids wakes me up and I can't fall back asleep. Tonight I never really fell into a deep sleep and then woke up on my own. Considering the full schedule on my plate tomorrow of pick up and drop offs, errands and doctor's appointments, it's going to be a long day if I don't get much rest.

I know how sleep deprivation affects me. I know that my entire outlook on life is tainted in an ugly, hopeless way when I am tired and exhausted. Yet I seem helpless to control it or the feelings of sadness, frustrations, discouragement, loneliness, anxiety and low self-esteem that usually accompany it. All the little things seem magnified and my patience becomes non-existent. Honestly, I don't see a solution. Somehow I think even the strictest regiment of sleep meds, meditation, quiet bedtime routine etc won't really help. I wish I knew what to do, how to change this part of my life that leaves me drained of happiness, energy and will to get the tough things done. I feel like crying out, "Are you out there, God? Can you hear me? You're supposed to be the Great Physician and Healer, can't you fix this?"

Olympic Figure Skating

Tonight is the final for Women's Olympic Figure Skating. I'm cheering for the Canadian, Joannie Rochette. How could I do otherwise?

Florida

We went to Florida for vacation last week. We stayed with my Nana at her place down there. It was a mixed experience. It was nice to be away. It was nice to have a break from the tedium of every day life. It was especially nice to have my husband there with us. It was hard in other ways though. Looking back at the passage of time, remembering things that should have been happy memories but made me sad instead. I am glad that my kids enjoyed time in the pool despite the rather cool weather and I'm glad we got to go to the beach, even though it was cold. I wish I hadn't been so melancholy, but at least I got lots of rest and that helps my mentality a lot. For example I'm not doing so hot tonight but I'm completely sleep deprived from being up with a very sick little boy with massive congestion, a fever and an ear infection. I need sleep and thus I miss Florida most for that.

New Year's Resolutions

The holidays are over and I'm a bit relieved. There were some good moments and things went as well as they could, but it was still very hard and I'm glad to have it all over and done with for now. I sincerely hope that next Christmas is easier, but I have no idea how these things go as I've never had to deal with loss on this level before.

All that being said, while I am struggling with a lot right now I am resolved to try and change the tune of this blog away from all my morbid and depressing musings. That isn't to say that I won't ever talk about my grief, my struggles and sadness, as they are an integral part of who I am right now. It does mean, however, that I intend to try and focus more on the positive things in my life, looking at what I have, rather than what I have lost.

I do have three beautiful children. I do have a loving husband. I do have a great dad. I do have my fun-loving brother and sister-in-law. I do have other family. I have some of the greatest friends in the world (you know who you are) who have not just supported me, but walked with me through the darkest hours of my life. Do no underestimate the power of a good friend to encourage and keep you going when you want to give up.

I still feel very confused about my life. There has been a lot of unexpected. I'm not sure where I'm going or where I'm supposed to be. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do some days. I don't know how to handle certain things. I don't know how to overcome certain emotional handicaps. I don't even know who to trust some days, including God and men. I do know that I will continue to move forward, one foot at a time. I may feel like I'm plowing through an endless desert and other days I may feel like I'm floating through an endless void of space, but I will keep moving.

Just Can't Say No

My mom was not good at saying, "no" to people. Oh she had gotten a little better over the years, but she still tried to do a lot. I like to think that I do say "no" more often than she did, but now I realize I don't. I'm a sucker for a fun project and I feel bad not helping someone out. No wonder she was so stressed. No wonder I am so stressed. I am always behind and my house is always a mess...that sounds familiar too. Maybe I'll never learn...

Impossible Expectations

I think my mom always put too much on herself at the holidays, but I understand, because I'm doing it too. And on top of my own list of to dos, I feel like I have to fill her shoes in some respects as well. My close family have been telling me not to do too much and I don't have to be Mom, but I feel like if I don't do such and such, then who will? Now I'm exhausted, sick and stressed. I want to enjoy this season and instead I'm just trying to get through it. I seem to feel obligated to do everything and yet so many things I don't have a choice about. How do I make it all simple? Isn't that what Mom was trying to figure out for the past who knows how many years? She never did figure it out. How am I supposed to?

On top of the stress and sickness is also the sadness. As I attempt to plow my way through each day I find myself alternating among, stress and anxiety, comfort and joy and tears of grief. The other night my eldest said she couldn't remember what Nana looked like anymore and it about broke my heart. I whipped out a photo album lickity split, but I wanted to weep that this day had finally come.

Acknowledging Mom's Sacrifice

I never fully understood just how much work a mother does, just how much of herself, her time, etc she gives up for her children until I had kids of my own. It saddens me that just as I was really starting to understand my mother better than I ever had before, just as we were really becoming best friends because we finally understood each other - she was taken from me.

I have missed my mom and appreciated just how much she did for all of us, especially the past couple of weeks. This weekend, especially has been miserable for me as I came down with a nasty cold complete with sore throat, head ache, congestion and body aches. I spent most of yesterday either in bed or on the futon staring aimlessly at Christmas Television specials, a tribute to just how bad I was feeling. Usually when I'm sick I like to indulge my passion for reading, but my head has hurt so badly and my eyes have stung so much that the only thing I was able to force my way through was a chapter in the Bible and a short chapter in a prayer book. Today I felt awful too, missing church AGAIN as well as my oldest daughter's singing debut at the Christmas Singing program tonight at church. Despite my misery I still went to my Dad's and helped decorate a tree, baked a cake and corn pudding for my grandfather's birthday tomorrow, fed my son and got him to bed, collected, sorted and started laundry and did all of the dishes for the past two days. It's insane that I would push myself to do all of that when I feel so yucky, horrible, but my family needs me. What else was I to do?

It isn't just the being sick though, it's the craziness of the holidays. First it was Thanksgiving dinner. Now it is wrapping gifts, getting teach gifts together, sending Christmas cards and baking about a zillion cookies. I've already made 4 kinds and somehow I need to make two more large batches for a school Christmas party and Women's Christmas evening, both of them on Wednesday. Oh and did I mention we're going to be gone all day Tuesday? How did my mother do it all?

Okay, she didn't do it all. She often paid extra shipping to get packages to out of town family on time. She usually had me helping with cookies and one year the sugar cookies didn't get iced until New Years when she gave the task to my brother and sister-in-law (then his girlfriend), a scary prospect considering most of the little cookie people ended up with huge red cinnamon eyes. Mom's presents were never under the tree until Christmas morning. She stayed up half the night on Christmas eve, wrapping gifts and doing stockings and even then half her gifts didn't have tags. She got to the point where she threw most things in a bag because it was faster, easier and she could peek under the tissue paper if she forgot what the gift was or who it was for!

But despite her inability to provide all the Christmas amenities in a perfect manner, she had what really mattered...a loving heart, a listening ear, a giving spirit. She was always finding ways to help people who needed it during the holidays. She knew that the real meaning of Christmas was not about tinsel or parties or gifts or cookies or gourmet meals, but about a tiny baby born in Bethlehem who came to save us all. She lived her life, giving and sacrificing in joy and gratefulness for what her saviour had done for her. I can only hope to achieve her level of sacrifice some far distant day in the future. So thanks, Mom, thanks for everything. I miss you and I love you and Christmas is so much harder without you, but I won't forget the things you taught me and hopefully they will make my Christmas season a little easier this year.

Holiday Blues

This year's holiday season is a lot harder than I expected. I know that the first holidays after losing a loved one are supposed to be difficult, but because of the extremely difficult circumstances last year, I expected it be different. I was so wrong. Last year I didn't do a lot of usual traditions or activities. I was just trying to get by. I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas. I honestly wanted to skip it. I also had a new baby, which tends to slow one down. This year I am trying to do all of the usual activities and it's killing me emotionally. I pull out decorations, I cry. I listen to Christmas music, I cry. I do anything related to Christmas traditions, I cry. Sometimes I don't cry. Sometimes I decide that it's an inappropriate time or place or I don't want to upset my kids and I shove it down inside. Later it comes back out as anger. I've been so ridiculously angry lately. It's resulted in impatience, angry words etc. It has not been a good couple of weeks and I still have so far to go to get through the season. I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to be better. I want to be full of joy and peace and patience and kindness. I want my kids to be able to enjoy the season, not to have to live with a psycho-emotional mom who is doing a crappy job of parenting at the moment.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm discouraged. Fighting the battles of life is never easy, but this year I feel like I've been forced to fight more than my share. Sometimes it seems however long and hard I pray, I hear nothing. I wonder if anyone else is feeling that way this season.

Luke's First Birthday

Happy first birthday to my amazing son. He arrived at the most difficult time in my life and motivated me in so many ways to keep going and keep taking care of myself. I am so thankful for him. I still can't believe a whole year has gone by. At the time of his birth we seemed frozen in a living nightmare. I still can't believe that his Nana wasn't here to watch him turn one, see him crawl around chasing balloons, watch him open gifts and spread tissue paper, laugh at him eating cake. It's an ache that will never really go away, though it does lessen. Significant dates eventually become less painful and we create new traditions and new ways of doing things. So here's to another year every bit as precious, but hopefully not as hard.

Did Job Get More?

I won't deny that there have been several times when I felt exactly like Job - except for the sores on the body part. Although, if you want to get technical, there are immense physical aches and pains that accompany extreme levels of emotional trauma.

I reread the end of Job again tonight because a family member reminded me of Job's story today. Job suffered unspeakable misery and trials. He came out of it and was later immensely blessed by the Lord. I'll admit that I sometimes, no frequently, really wonder if the Lord wants to or intends to bless me and my family. I know that I do have a lot to be thankful for in a time when many people are wanting but still, is anyone really going to argue that we've suffered one of those horrible tragedies that people normally only read about? The thing I was told today was that even though God blessed Job more than he had before his troubles, he did not restore to him what he had lost. Job did not get his dead children back.

I am not going to get my mom back. Will God still bless me? I hope so. Will he bless me more than before? As someone who is struggling with many complications in life and has been for a few years, I certainly hope so, but I don't know that my faith is strong enough yet to hope for that.

Thankfulness

I made it through today. I cooked most of Thanksgiving dinner, acted as hostess, made homemade lump-free gravy and cleaned up from the huge dinner all without my mom...but I missed her to pieces.

I've had a lot to be thankful for lately. A book party I hosted provided a bunch of free books that I can use for Christmas and birthday presents for my children. While we were sick with a nasty virus we had three meals provided for us and a small grocery run. Despite the potential for being overwhelmed by this holiday, I made it through relatively unscathed. I am so thankful for that. Now on to the Luke's first birthday...

Yes, it was a tough week

I could lie and pretend it wasn't a tough week, but what's the point? The redeeming fact was that the anniversary of the day after the accident, the 29th (aka the anniversary of the worst day of my life), was amazingly peaceful. Some of it could have been that I was prepared for it to be difficult and so when things went well that day it seemed like a bonus. However, I honestly believe that I was so surrounded by prayer that day that I was able to have the best day of my week. The grace of God was clearly at work. The rest of the week, well, it could have been better and the weekend was a disaster, little sleep, frustration, irrational anger, tears...

But to those who prayed and who have been praying, thank you.

1 year

You didn't think I wouldn't post today, did you? Of course I am. I gave my testimony at the Women's' Retreat on Saturday and it actually went really well...part of the healing process I think. I also knew that I had the support and prayers of many behind me.

But that was then and today is today. The memories have flooded back over the past 24 hours and I'm sure will continue to do so over the next few days. I suppose I should tell the story - it's out now that I talked about it on Saturday - but I'm not really up for it tonight. Maybe I'll write it out tomorrow, maybe another day. But it has been one year since I last saw my mom alive and vibrant, talked to her, hugged her, enjoyed time with her. She may have died in May but I lost her an year ago tonight. I just hope I don't hear any sirens tonight (we live near the fire station) because if I do I'm sure to have nightmares.

People have been kind. I've received notes and e-mails as well as words of encouragement in person. People received my testimony so kindly and have been sensitive to the tough anniversary that this is. If you are one of those people, thank you.

I didn't do as much as I should have today. I thought tomorrow would be harder, but today was surprisingly difficult. Tomorrow I have no great aspirations. I have someone bringing us breakfast and I plan to read, sleep, cry, eat or whatever I need to do. Do I sound pathetic? I call it coping and I think I'm allowed to be that way for a day. I still have to care for my children so I won't be a completely unproductive member of society. I just need to be able to chill.

The Next Two Weeks

The next two weeks are going to be difficult. Saturday evening I'm giving my testimony at the women's Retreat. Sunday is the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death. The 28th is the anniversary of the accident and the 29th is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. November 1st is my brother's 1st wedding anniversary. I'm trying to plan good things and come up with ways to make it easier, but I am really dreading it all.

Today I bought flower bulbs to plant at the cemetery. It would have been fun if not for the reason I was doing the purchasing. The girls enjoyed the myriads of flower photos next to their bins of bulbs. On Thursday I have to plant them. That is going to be harder. I would have never done that sort of thing without my mom. Hopefully I'm going to have some help that afternoon.