The Darkest Hour is Always at Night

Nights are the worst...by far. In the month following the accident I don't know that any of the immediate family really slept. My sleeplessness was aggravated by pregnancy hormones, which often had me awake for several hours. Despite my weariness I'd lie there awake, frustrating under any circumstances, but made 100 times worse by finding myself always thinking about what had happened. I sleep better now that I have a newborn, but even now sometimes when I've been up feeding him in the night I am haunted by thoughts and memories and I can't fall back asleep. It drives me crazy and I want to scream and find a way to shut down my racing thoughts, the images that flit through my mind like so many demons. 

"Things always seem worse at night." I remember both my parents telling me that as a child and even into my young adult years. It is so very true...either that or our minds are less distracted and able to see more clearly the horrors we face. There is something about the darkness, the quiet, the cold, that makes the longing deeper, the pain harsher, reality more biting, the tears flow more freely. After a night like this the day is harder too because I awaken tired and sad. Then there are the dreams. Good dreams become nightmares when you awaken from them to find they aren't true. Bad dreams become good if they involve your loved one being alive, well and whole. If I could rest, sleep, dream at night without ever thinking, I think I would be a much happier person.