Lost Memories

Today should have been such a happy day. We've all been looking forward to it for two months. Instead I ended up feeling so sad when it was all over.  My infant son got to go see his Nana for the first time. My mom was unable to see the baby before because his immune system was not developed enough until now for him to be allowed up in the hospital ward. Previously he had stayed down in the lobby with someone or at home with my husband. This morning my dad held him in his arms (he- my son- is still not allowed to touch my mom) in my mom's line of sight so she could see him. My dad held him for a while. I think we were all hoping that when the baby started crying that somehow that would trigger something inside of her and she'd show some awareness...instead, nothing. I'd like to think that there was some show of a frown when my son started fussing, but if there really was I don't think it was more than a reflexive response, same as usual. It's painful enough to have my mom look blankly at me, but to have her see her grandson for the first time and give that precious baby the same blank stare...it kills me. I think of all the the wonderful memories that might have been and now will never be. It breaks my heart. So many more things were lost that day than just my mom, so many links, so many events and stories and memories that might have been. It is more painful than I can say.