My Surreal Status Quo

Up, down, laugh, cry. Smile, hope, sadness, despair. I am doing better than I ever could have imagined, and yet I am not doing well each and every day. I feel like when I hit the bottom of my tolerance I receive an encouraging word, an e-mail, a call, some insight spiritually that makes me feel lighter. When I feel better, when I think I might just make it, something happens to hit me over the head and smash me down again. I am doing remarkably well and unbelievably awful at the same time. I didn't know it was possible.

Last Tuesday at my Bible Study I felt so encouraged. I was reminded of the eternal perspective, that no matter what happens here on earth, no one and nothing can really touch my mother. She has Christ and she has eternity and she will always have them. Thursday evening the deer hit my car. Last night I felt ill after filling out the accident report. Today my knuckles turned white as I gripped the steering wheel each time I passed a semi or large truck on my way into the city. Tonight someone offered me reassurance and comfort about other fears and I actually felt reassured. 

The ups, the downs...I can't say they are more pronounced, if anything I am softer, more malelable. I am more sensitive to things, and yet I absorb them better, easier. The strain is greater, but the peace more pronounced, more noticeable. Sometimes I feel like I am someone else. Time before the accident is like a memory. I have become someone else. I don't know if that is good or bad - I suspect it is both. Perhaps my words sound confusing here on the page, but it all makes sense in my mind, in my soul. Perhaps you have to be in the middle of something like this to really understand. Maybe those of you who have experienced heartbreaking tragedy understand what I mean, maybe not. Those of you who don't, I wish you could and yet I hope you don't. I live in a new world, and though I don't feel brave, I must be so.