Missing Mom

It hits at the strangest times, as I'm sure any of you who have lost a loved one (either physically or emotionally) can attest.  Today I nearly burst into tears in the middle of a store over some dish towels. There were red and white with hearts for Valentine's day and I wanted to buy them because my oldest daughter always gets so excited at seasonal towels. She loves the various hand towels that appear for each holiday in my mom's downstairs bathroom. They weren't really expensive, but definitely a luxury and since I'm trying to be careful about money, I didn't buy them. But I was suddenly struck by the thought that Mom would have bought something like that for me, for my daughter, just because she could and she knew it would make us happy and smile to have Valentine's towels of our own. Then and there in the line waiting to pay for my purchase, I nearly broke down sobbing.

I miss my mom so much, it's crazy. I remember how often she used to drive me nuts and I'd want to ignore her 37 calls and 52 e-mails each day. Now I'd give anything to see her address pop up in my in-box or hear her cheery ring on my cell phone. I want to talk to her, and I can't. Honestly, I think if she were dead I'd talk to her all the time now and just hope she could hear me up in heaven, crazy or not. Now, though, I walk into her hospital room and everything I want to say dies on my lips. I see her lying there and wonder if she can hear me, sense my mood, know what I'm feeling by how I act, and I can't bear the thought of dragging her down, discouraging her, frustrating her. What if I started crying in front of her and she could hear me but couldn't respond? How distressed would I be in that situation!!! I just can't do that to her.

I say that my mom used to drive me nuts and it's true. The truth is though, for all her quirks, all the things that drove me crazy, all the times I wanted to yell at her (or did yell at her), all her faults, all the things that I swore I'd never do to my kids, all those times I thought life would be easier if I moved across the country from her, my mom really was one of my best friends. Maybe I didn't see it that way, maybe I didn't even realize it, but she was. I could talk to her about most anything, enjoyed a lot of the same activities, and shared a good number of her strengths and faults. In many ways she encouraged me and was my mentor. I may not have admitted it, but in many ways I wanted to be like my mom. Now that everything has happened, I realize all this. How blind we are to what we have at the time.

So much of my life is tied to my mom. It's natural of course, but even worse because I live 10 minutes from my childhood home. So many memories. Sitting in the food court at the mall I remembered sitting there with her and the girls. Passing various stores I remembered the grand hunt for the perfect outfit and accessories for her, myself, and my girls for my brother's wedding. Sitting in church I see the flowers up front and think of the hundreds of arrangements she did for them. Cooking in her kitchen, sitting at her place at the table, I remember the hundreds of meals she cooked and served. There are thousands of memories because I walk where she walked, live in the area where she lived, was a close part of her life.

The problem is that when life gets tough, when I want to hole up and hide, when I want to scream at my kids, chuck shoes at my husband, curl up in a ball and cry, when I want to just vent to someone who I know will love me no matter what I do, I automatically think of my mom now. After all, she's never the one vexing me these days. But she's not there, not available, not able to listen, and hold me, and talk and pray for me and encourage me in the way that only a mother can...and it breaks my heart and leaves me feeling raw and miserable. I can't even write this entry without crying. No one can replace her. No one can be her. I just want my mom back, I just want her back.