Deceptive Appearances

Since the accident I can't say how many times people have said things to me like, "You look so good, " and "I can't believe how well you are doing," and "You are so strong!" I need to clarify something here and now. I am not strong, this is not easy and I am not doing well. Just because I am not dissolving into a puddle of tears at your feet does not mean that I am doing fine. You just don't happen to see the tears, the anger, the fear and the despair. When I have to talk about my mom, her condition, or the accident, my brain has a way of compartmentalizing things. It's like I switch from the emotional part of my brain to the factual, information part of my brain. This is a basic survival instinct. If I melted into tears every time I had to think or talk about this, I would be a wreck 98% of the time and unable to function normally. This is about survival.

If someone really wants to know how I'm doing, that's fine, but he or she needs to prepared for the honest truth in words, not for me to break down crying if I'm not doing okay. I am just not the kind of person who cries in front of any and everyone. In fact that probably characterizes most of the members of my family. We may look fine on the outside, but inside our hearts feel like they've been mashed into a million pieces, which are bleeding all over the place. This experience is brutal and ongoing and not something we are going to be okay with possibly ever, let alone a short amount of time. Yes I may speak calmly, yes I may smile, yes I may even laugh but inside I am just a scared little girl crying for her mommy.