The Weight

Sometimes in life there are things that hang over our heads, things we dread, things that haunt us, things we don't want to face. These things haunt us at night, fill us with anxiety when we awaken and burden us throughout the day. Guilt, fear, worry, may all play a part. I've experienced this the same as most people, but never like I do now. It is this burden, like a lead weight set on my shoulders, that dampens my spirits and makes me feel like I can never fully experience joy again this side of Heaven. Knowing that my mom is lying in that hospital bed, not responding in any willful way is the reality that I am now forced to live with every day. Sometimes I try to forget, but it is never for long. I hate that it seems to color my world in such a debilitating way. Fatigue, anxiety, frustration, anger, pain and all the other negative emotions or experiences seem worse because of it, whereas the positive experiences like joy, happiness, excitement, laughter etc all feel dampened by my sadness. Sometimes I break down and cry in desperation because I feel like the burden is so enormous, will never go away, and is just too much to bear. The Bible says that God will not give us more than we can bear, but in my darkest moments I don't feel like I believe that. I feel like God has asked too much of me, too much of all of us. 

Most people experience tragedy and then are allowed to slowly and painfully move on with their lives. Things are never the same, but eventually the pain is less and the healing can take place. This isn't the case for me, for us. We're caught in this never ending vortex of tragedy and for the foreseeable future, it isn't going away. There isn't an ending point. We are perpetually caught up in our tragedy, which for now has no end and that is a heavy burden to carry day after day after day. Is it any wonder that I question my ability to make it through this experience, to bear up under the strain? What we wouldn't give for some relief.