The Guilt

I think most people struggle with guilt at some point, be it real or imagined. As a child I had an overactive conscious, which often led to feelings of guilt that didn't really belong...something that was pointed out to me later in life. Though I'm certainly more aware of these feelings of false guilt now, it doesn't mean that I don't struggle with it any less, especially now. In fact these days my life seems riddled with feelings of guilt about things that I can't really control. Probably at the top of the list is feeling guilty for not spending more time with my mom at the hospital...never mind that I have three small children, one a newborn who can't even visit and one who's been sick for three weeks now, I still feel horrible about it. I feel guilty for not going to the hospital more often, and guilty for not spending long periods of time there. I feel guilty for running out of things to say to her some days (I'm reading her a book to try and help with this problem), and guilty for not finding more ways I can stimulate her. On the flip side I feel guilty for leaving my newborn as often as I have to go off to the hospital. I feel guilty for not helping Dad more and making him more meals (don't feel bad, Daddy, it isn't your fault), and I feel guilty for taking so long to get back to people via phone and e-mail, even though I barely have any free time at all these days. I feel guilty for not calling or writing my family with more regularl updates on Mom. I feel guilty any time I think about going out and having fun or shopping for something not absolutely necessary (like food or prescriptions etc), even when I genuinely need something (like jeans and slippers, my only pairs having holes). After all, if I'm going out, I should be visiting with Mom, right? The guilt is everywhere, in everything. Don't bother telling me I shouldn't feel guilty, I already know that. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to struggle with it.