Losing It

I lost it for the first time at the hospital this weekend. I am usually very in control of my feelings and emotions when I'm there. It wouldn't do to be crying away with all of the staff in and out of the room. Saturday, however, I think I was really struggling. I was tired, I missed my mom. I was holding my 3 1/2 month old baby boy up for her to see and she just stared at him like he wasn't there. I lost it. I looked back at my husband and the tears were just running down my cheeks. I don't have perfect composure. Just because I can compartmentalize my feelings so much of the time does not mean I'm not affected by the sorrow. It gets to me in little ways just like it gets to all of us.

So Tired

Last week the kids and I went to Florida to visit with my Nana. I think I was secretly hoping that it would somehow be this magical retreat away from everything at home and I'd come home refreshed and renewed. It wasn't like that of course. I really don't think I was very well prepared for the emotional assault that I would experience from being in a place where I've spent so many hours with my mom. In fact, the last time I was down there it was with my mom and the girls. Grief, anguish, sorrow, longing...I think I'm realizing that I am going to have to deal with these things in each and every place that had significance to my mom. It's a long and painful process that can only be halted by her recovery of will and consciencness.

Now I am home and the emotional exhaustion coupled with the physical exhaustion ( I haven't been getting much sleep lately) has left me wiped. It's not a good state to be in because it makes everything harder from being patient with my children to fixing dinner to having the energy to sit and talk with my husband in the evening. I was talking with someone today and musing how most people dealing with issues of parental health have grown or at least older children. I have all the challenges of a young family coupled with the responsibilities of helping my parents and it's a very full load.

One thing was a bit of a releif today. I visited my mom with the kids (and the help of a friend) and she has been moved to the bed by the window. Her roommate passed away on Tuesday and we asked that my mom be moved near the window. Now that she's there we have more space, more light and thus less frustration. Even if a new person is moved to Mom's old bed we'll still be in the position with more room and light. It's a nice change.