6 Months

Yesterday (last night) was the six month anniversary of the crash. That means today was the six-month anniversary of the worst day of my life. I managed the day better than expected, though last night was a long and exhausting one full of bad memories, anxiety and inability to sleep. A fussy, teething baby certainly didn't help, but was not the main cause. Today I managed to not think too much about it...no major reliving of flashbacks, though certain details here and there have come to mind. We visited Mom today at the hospital...there are none of the remnants of the crash...the cuts and bruising, her shattered knee, and yet she looks much less like herself than she did the morning after the crash. She still looked like Mom then. Today it struck me how much she looked like someone or something else, almost flat or deflated, a two dimensional version of the warm, loving, vibrant 3 dimensional person she used to be. Gosh darn it, I miss her, even now though the pain isn't so sharp, the endless, dull, ache still thuds deep down in my being.

Facing the Closet: A Bittersweet Tale

Imagine if you will, being led into a huge closet full of clothes, most of them around your size. There are bins of hats, scarves, purses, belts and shoes. You find that there are still two more hanging bags of clothes, several bins and another small closet full of nice clothing items...oh, and you can choose anything you want to wear out of all of this. That was me yesterday. And while the clothes were beautiful and I desperately need some serious help with my dwindling, shabby wardrobe, it was a heart breaking experience. This was my mom's closet. 

Yes, she is still living, but even if the unthinkable miracle happens and she some how gains her awareness and conscience self back, the paralysis would be extensive enough that she would never wear most of those things again. My dad wants my mom's beautiful things to be used, worn, enjoyed by those of us females who are close to her... and as her only daughter, I get first pick. It's like a dream come true all wrapped up in a living nightmare. I felt like a little kid who's dad just took her to the candy store and said, "Have whatever you want," but the reason for being there is because the kid's dog died. It is the pinnacle of bitter-sweet.

As I gently worked my way through skirts and blouses and dresses and sweaters and pants and jackets and so much more I could picture my mom in many of those things, knew that she wore that hooded sweatshirt at the lake and that blouse when it was really warm out. That dress was a favorite even though I thought it was out dated and those pants thrilled me when she got them because I though she was finally dressing more en vogue. I only did a cursory run though and will have to go back through things much more extensively. For the time being I did take a pile of things, light weight spring and summer items, most of which I had never seen her wear...it made them easier to take and will make them easier to wear having no memories of her in them. One dress still has the price tag on it, never worn before. Eventually I'll have to deal with the more sentimental items and that will be hard, but for now I'm playing it mostly safe. I have to keep repeating to myself that Mom always said, "People are more important than things," and I know that there is nothing there that is not replaceable.

I'm going to have to work through the clothes and accessories with other clothes family members and friends...this is my project now. It's hard, really hard, but I'll get through it. In the mean time I have to figure out how to wear these beautiful things that I desperately need and yet hesitate to put on. As I type I'm wearing some of my old clothes that I've had for a while, not quite able to bring myself to put on any of the beautiful things in that pile on my rocking chair...but I will eventually, I will.

Not Doing Well

The title of this post about sums it up, all of it, my mom, my week, my family and especially me. Sometimes I think it is a curse to have the ability to physically keep it "all together" when I'm living in the middle of heart-breaking tragedy. People see me coping what appears to be extraordinarily well and think I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine, VERY NOT fine. Internally, emotionally I'm falling to pieces. Part of it is coming to terms that we're nearing the 6-month anniversary of the accident and that my mom is not going to get better - ever, at least not on this earth. She is very slowly, little by little fading away as she fights infections, pneumonia, bed sores and all the rest that comes from being in a persistent vegetative state. I know there are people out there still holding out hope that my mom is going to somehow miraculously wake up and become who she was before, but it's not going to happen. It's not that God isn't all powerful, it's that generally speaking He chooses to operate according to the laws of nature and naturally speaking, a person with a traumatic brain injury does not suddenly or even gradually recover from this state after 6 months. I would have to be pretty full of myself to believe that God would go against his own natural laws just to please me.

That being said my heart is heavy and my body reaping the physical results of emotional turmoil. I've been fighting a cold all week and finally lost. I've been spacey, absent minded, clumsy, scatter-brained, a mess. Whatever I touch seems to go wrong. I had trouble getting my printer to print tax forms, flooded my kitchen, made my usual yummy lasagna bland, lost patience with my kids and then forgot to discipline them, let my apartment turn into a disaster zone and almost had to walk out of my small group when someone shared a prayer request too close to home and with a happy ending, unlike ours. I'm desperate to be around people, to laugh, be loved, share friendship and yet I get to a group and can barely speak, barely formulate the turmoil that is in my heart. I'm a wreck and can't even communicate it, don't know how to tell people what I'm feeling since they obviously can't read my sad, tired eyes. I feel empty, cold, alone, incapable even of loving those closest to me. They think I'm fine and I'm not fine.

It Has to Get Better!

It has to get better. It just has to. My dad arrives home today after being gone nearly three weeks. I will be so relieved to have him home, especially after his near run-in with Pirates, yes, PIRATES! They still exist in our modern day world and my dad just happened to get close, too close in my opinion. I know we'll be joking about this one for years, but I think that if he had been captured, I probably would have suffered a mental breakdown. To quote Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Ernest, "To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune.  To lose both looks like carelessness." Seriously, would anyone have actually believed me? I'm having a hard enough time convincing people he had a near run-in with Pirates in the first place. I'm currently considering selling my life's story...it ought to make an interesting book and in this economy we could use the cash!

Pirates aside, my kids managed to get colds and then the stomach bug at the same time my mom had Pneumonia. Trying to take care of them and get to the hospital felt like being in the middle of a tug of war. Sometimes I wonder if I have a "kick me" sign taped to me somewhere where I can't see it. It feels that way. Sometimes the hardest part is feeling so torn and not feeling like anyone really understands. People tell me not to kill myself, not to overdo it, to balance my life, make priorities, but when it comes down to it, no one is in my shoes and understands the extreme difficulty of actually doing that. No matter what I do I feel badly for not doing or being what each person needs at that time.

Easter weekend is coming though. While I don't relish the difficulty of ploughing through another holiday without my mother's busy participation, at least I'll have my family together. Hospital visits, amusing the kids and fixing Easter dinner will be family affairs. I've done my darnedest to add some special touches of my own this year and I know the others will do their part as well. Last night I took a small Easter basket, an Easter Lily (from my Nana) and a blue hyacinth over to the hospital so Mom would be surrounded by little touches of the season as well. I even made her a palm cross, something she tries to get me to do every year and I usually stubbornly refuse to do. So barring unforeseen disasters (which I'd give a good even chance of occurring), I'm ready for a better week and a peaceful Easter.

Spring Ramblings

Today at the little grocery I stopped at to pick something up for dinner, I was enchanted by the small bunches of bright yellow daffodil buds for sale. I had to have some. I brought them home and put them in a vase of warm water and they are already opening their canary petals. They are a beautiful reminder that spring is coming, and a painful reminder of my mom. Every spring she used to buy me at least one bunch of daffodils early in the season. Her own bulbs are shaded and are always the last to bloom, so until those came up she usually bought me some to enjoy.

I miss her. The bright yellow flowers are just one of the many reminders of the pieces of my mom that I no longer have. It makes me sad that she's missing spring, missing the time of year when her garden, lying dormant through our cold winters starts to bud and grow again.

And spring isn't the only this she's missing this year. My son is four months old today, a beautiful, happy, laughing, engaging and content baby who smiles at anyone and everyone he meets. She never met him, never saw him, never held his chubby little hand or felt his silky baby soft skin. He'll grow up knowing about Nana, but never really knowing Nana.

Spring is coming. Doesn't that mean that noses are supposed to stop running and we get a little respite from all the winter-time ailments? Then why is it that both my girls have had colds and my mom has been battling pneumonia...at the same time!!!? It's enough to make any sane person crazy, and that's without Spring fever!!!