Finding A New Normal

There are many things that people ask me that my reply to is...later, after we find a new normal. I suppose that is impossible in a way. What is "normal" in our lives is constantly changing. We are in flux as our children grow, friends come and go, seasons change, we get older. I guess my best argument then would have to be that I need to reestablish my life, who I am, my relationship with God and our time/energy/emotions as a family without my mom being present in all of it.

Those of you who read this blog may be under the impression that I am miserable all of the time, but that isn't true. I am sad, yes, a lot, discouraged, angry at times, and sometimes I feel very lonely and dark. I am trying to push through it though, to move on and to enjoy life. Part of that is finding things to do, ways to push myself towards happiness, holiness and healing.

This year my oldest is in preschool. That means that three mornings a week I attempt to be out the door at 7:45 am with all three children and myself dressed and fed...HA! If I'm going to be out all morning I somehow make it happen, if not, well, let's just say this morning that only 1 1/2 of my kids were dressed. (Cassie had her shirt on top and pj's on bottom!) I think that getting out of my house helps me though. I'm also involved in Tuesday Morning Women's Bible Study at church, for which I've even agreed to lead a small group, a) because no one else wanted to, b) I thought is would be a good thing to help me grow right now and c) Admitting that I have no idea what I am doing and don't have any answers automatically qualifies me, right? Being on the Nursery committee, especially now when we no longer have a paid nursery director, is also giving me something to channel my energy into. Add occasional play dates, errands, trying to keep my house clean (HA again, I hate cleaning and organizing), and even having people over for dinner occasionally and I can at least say I'm trying to move on and live life. It isn't always easy, but I'm trying to keep busy, keep moving, and keep living my life with as much joy as I can muster.

Where is Peace?

I'm realizing that my life has taken on certain patterns- restlessness, fatigue, a feeling of needing to belong, to latch on to something of meaning, the endless pursuit of mindless distractions to try and drive the demons away. I lack peace. There is only one place peace comes from and that is Christ, but right now he is so far off. I feel like I am wandering through a mindless void where each day is a pursuit to fill the void. Again, stupid of me, only God can fill that void. But if God doesn't appear to be anywhere near, how can He fill it?

I'm tired, my mind is numb. I don't have the energy to fight anymore, to question, to shake my fists at the heavens. Instead an apathy has taken over my mind, my heart and my limbs. I'm tired of making an effort to understand, to find spiritual peace and understanding. I want to give up, stop walking and sit down. Or at the very least I want someone to come walking along, to help me up, and to help me as I stumble through the darkness. I want a guide, a mentor, an advisor, someone older and wiser to tell me that God is still there, that life won't always seem so tedious and then to stay with me until the horizon brightens. Hmm, seems ironic that my mom did that for me so many times and I didn't even realize it at the time. Now at the darkest time, in the biggest test, she's gone.

I'm tired of feeling this way, tired of living this way, tired of playing the hypocrite. I'm tired of living with two faces, the public, "Oh I'm muddling along" face and the private"I'm living in a dark, meaningless void" face. It's a shame that we feel the need to put our best foot forward, to pretend that we are some sort of spiritual giants, emotional champs, courageous warriors...when in fact we aren't. We're just broken, sad, sinful people...at least I am.

"What to say?" and "Why Now?"

Last night we attended my daughter's preschool picnic. At the event we ran into someone my husband used to work with, but whom he hadn't seen in at least a couple of years. He asked us how we were doing...I for one didn't know what to say. I think I said we were fine or some other benign answer. This brings up the difficult question that I have had to wrestle with, just how much do I tell people and how much do they really want to know? In reality I should have answered, "Gee, actually not so well. We've had the worst year of our lives and are still reeling from the trauma of everything that happened." - But we just can't tell people that, especially if we haven't been in contact and they didn't know my mother personally. I hate being deceptive but at the same time, it really isn't appropriate to spill our tales of woe to someone like that. I hate it though, pretending like nothing unusual has happened in the past year when, in fact, my world was torn apart.

Another incident happened today that left me saying, "why now, God? What sick joke are you playing on me?" For years my mom watched a couple of local roas where small turtles were known to cross, hoping to catch one trying to cross the road so she could rescue it and put it in a tank for my brother as a pet. (Laws in this state prevent buying small turtles by anyone other than those with a scientific affiliation.) She never found a live one. Guess what I found crossing one of those very roads and rescued today...yep, a turtle. He wasn't teeny tiny, but he was small and no, I did not keep him, I merely carried him (or her) to safety. The whole incident had me thinking, "why now?"

No Testimony

I was recently asked if I was interested in giving my testimony to a group pf women in a few weeks. There was no pressure and the invitation was issued with love and understanding if I was still processing and not ready. I thought about it long and hard. I really want to give my testimony. I want to have something beautiful and joyous to take out of this horrendous tragedy I've lived through. I want to touch others with my own suffering. But as much as I want all this, I am just not there yet.

When we are in the crucible being refined, we cannot see the other side, the purpose or at least the peace. We have to wait until we are out of the flame. I think it is safe to say that I no longer reside in the flaming crucible any more, but neither am I lying in green pastures. As I thought about it I realized that for me at least there was the fire and there willhopefully some day be green pastures (or at least a small patch of greenery) and in between those two things is a long expanse of desert. The desert isn't nearly as painful as the fire, but it is much longer. Right now I am wandering around in my personal desert trying to make sense of life, trying to find my way to some sort of oasis, to no avail. I don't know how long I am meant to wander here but it is very lonely and empty. I feel abandoned and left to fend for myself, unsure of the way and unsure where God went.

As a Christian I have been taught for many years now that Christ is out sure foundation. He is the rock upon which we should build our lives. When we have a solid foundation we can be shaken but not destroyed. Well, it's true. My foundation has held, but it's the only thing left. It's as if everything build on top of it has been washed or burned away and all that's left arew those pillar stones. I would be nothing without them and so I am thankful for them, for Christ. Still, I have no idea how to rebuild, no idea where to even begin in reconstructing that which should reside above the foundation. Perhaps that is God's job, but thus far the stones look bare to me.

Some Joy - Finally!

It's been a tough summer, probably the hardest summer of my life. Mercifully I've ended this difficult season with a fun, relaxing and joyous weekend. My college roommate got married today and I flew out to be in the wedding this weekend. I had to bring my 9-month old son, but the awesome and amazing parents of one of my best friends have been here and have played grandparents to him, enabling me to have the most relaxing time in a long while.

There have definitely been difficult and emotional moments for me tied in with the fun and joy, but I've made it through this weekend with far more happy moments than sad ones. Time with three of my best friends has been very healing. Standing up front in church today for the wedding, watching one of my best friends marry the guy she's madly in love with was a sort of balm to my crippled soul. It was a refreshing experience to remember that the world is full of more than tragedy and sadness. There is love, joy and happiness as well. Thanks, Sarah and Paul for giving me an opportunity to hope again.