One of those days/weeks/months

It's one of those days when I just want to pick up the phone and call my mom because trying to get through it myself is exhausting. Up at 6 after a bad night of sleep, out the door at 7:30, drop the younger two kids at a friends, pick up my dad, drop Dakota at preschool, drop my dad at the train, run into CVS, scoot out to the lab for my glucose test, up to my midwives appointment, back down to the lab, back up to the office for a shot of roGam, off to a couple quick errands, stop at the post office to have mail held for my dad, pick up the younger two kids, pick up Dakota at preschool, home again to try and do lunch and get everyone down for naps or quiet time!!!! Those are just the scheduled events of the morning! They don't include that my heartburn is driving me nuts, I'm so tired I can barely stand, the middle child is whining, the youngest fell asleep in the car and won't sleep now, or that I just found out the next two Wednesdays have school related events over lunch that conflict with the youngest's nap schedule. It's times' like these I NEED my mom. I need her to do the errands for Dad and keep my kids when they need naps and I have conflicts, and fix me a snack guaranteed to help me feel better and listen to me complain about doing my glucose test AND getting a shot of roGam (which leaves me sore for a couple days) in the same day and tell me it will all be okay and pray that I can get some rest. Maybe it's selfish, but I miss you, Mom!!!

This Week

This week was a tough week. We had another family tragedy. One week ago my cousin called my dad very upset because after not hearing from her mom for two days she went to her house and found her on the couch unresponsive. She called 911 and at the hospital it was determined my aunt had had a major stroke. She died later that afternoon. She was only 59. Technically my cousin is my second cousin and my aunt is my dad's first cousin, but growing up they and my great aunt spent just about every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter with us. We saw them more than any of our other family.

I'll be honest,it could have been a lot worse and either the fact that I hadn't seen my aunt a lot recently or maybe the fact that I've hardened myself somewhat to death and tragedy in the past couple years meant I handled the whole thing very well...well, sort of. It's amazing what the subconscious does when you've experienced similar trauma. Emotionally I had a rough week and little things felt a lot bigger. I felt sad and down a lot and even had a couple of small anxiety attacks for no obvious reason. I had more trouble falling asleep, images that wouldn't leave me head and thoughts I didn't want to have. My heart bled for my cousin, knowing exactly what it feel like to lose a mother and in her case being an only child. When her son, the same age as my oldest daughter said he missed his Grammie at the funeral service the tears welled up as I thought of my own girls saying they missed their Nana so many times in the past year.

My family certainly seems to be getting the short end of the stick in recent years. It seems unfair but what can I do about it? I am not happy about it and I still feel anger and lots of sadness and discouragement, but at least I feel like I am finally experiencing glimpses of something, not understanding and not happiness but maybe some peace or contentment that I cannot have answers.

My aunt's funeral was done by one of the generic funeral directors and I wasn't thrilled about everything he said. It sounded like a lot of fluff to me to be honest. The thing that really got to me though was something he said about knowing God so we can allow him to comfort us, love us and give us understanding about why these things happen. WOW, okay, let's just stop right there. God does NOT just give us answers like that. He does not sit us down during personal devotions or prayer time and say, "Hey, here's why I allowed these horrible things to happen in my grand plan and here are all the benefits." He may give us peace, maybe contentment (maybe), and perhaps even glimpses of things that do result in His blessings and glory, but He isn't going to give us straight answers. He is God and as such his wisdom and purposes are beyond our understanding. This side of Heaven we won't know why things happen other than that there is sin and we live in a fallen world where bad things can and will happen.

Those are my thoughts for this week. I expect at least the next couple to still be difficult and the approaching anniversary of my mom's death won't help, but hopefully I can get through it with minimal damage and set-backs. I do wish, however, that people would keep reminding me what a difficult month this must be for me. I am well aware of it without the reminders and while I know people mean well, sometimes it's harder to have people keep bringing it up.

More Severe Mercy

Blow upon blow. Tragedy after tragedy. I joked that they could write another "Series of Unfortunate Events" and model it after my life, or that of my family and yet it isn't necessarily untrue. More events have unfolded leaving me bewildered and confused. Does God really bring such suffering on people? And yet these two things have been developing in my mind, a Severe Mercy and the Hound of Heaven. I cannot put them fully into words now, but in all this, even in these new blows, this was and is a severe mercy and it may just be that each new thing though terrible is purposeful and this is really all a big trap laid by the Hound of Heaven.

Waste of time...

I'm pretty sure blogging on here is a waste of my time. Very few people even read this and yet I still have to be paranoid about what I write because if I'm too deep or real about my feelings people think I'm freakin' suicidal or something crazy like that. I guess most people really have no idea what it is like to have your whole world, your whole life, everything you think, believe, hope - turned upside down on you. Add to it the pressures of being a mom of three very young children, a husband who commutes a long way to work, people who say they want to be involved in your life but aren't, pregnancy hormones and ills and insomnia and you have a regular recipe for disaster in the form of loneliness, discouragement and sadness. I really want to be clinically depressed so someone can give me a pill and make me snap out of it, but I really don't think I am. I am so tired and discouraged most days that little things become big deals but I am neither unable to function daily tasks or suicidal. I am just miserable. I love my husband, I love my kids. Without them I would be nothing right now, but all the little ills and discouragements saturated with sadness and loss and feelings of helplessness and worthlessness and inability to control anything so permeate my life that I can't even enjoy the beautiful blessings I do have. It's sad, but I don't really know what to do about it or who to talk to. My husband listens and advises, but I don't listen well to him because I am so close to him. I feel like a burden to those around me, either being realistic and discouraging or a faker covering up and pretending. I'm worried I'm going to screw up my kids with my own thoughts and mental misconceptions. It's a tough life right now.

So you want to know how I'm doing...

I have a lot of people ask me that question, "So how are you doing?" Here's the crux of the matter. I could tell you how I'm "really" doing, but most of you don't merit that sort of answer. The depths of the emotions and feelings I have experienced over the past year and a half have been beyond even what I know how to cope with. And the truth is, it is very difficult for me to be completely honest with the vast numbers of people who seem to pop in and out of my life on such a spontaneous basis that it makes my head spin.

I know that all of us as human beings live busy lives and have things that come up, but if you want to be in my life, please make it somewhat consistent and please communicate with me that you're busy when you are. I can't bare my heart and soul to people who disappear or aren't around when they say they will be. It just hurts too much. I miss my mom like crazy and I'm so lonely. There are days when my kids seem out of control and all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my mom, but I can't, and usually I go through a mental list of who to call and can't figure out someone. It's days like that that leave me discouraged and lower than before.

Easter

The bulbs I planted last fall at my mother's grave are in bloom, at least the crocuses and daffodils are. The tulips and hyacinths will bloom in a little while. The kids and I placed and extra batch of cut daffodils in the "vase" at the headstone on Friday and the whole family stopped by on our way to church yesterday. It seems unfair to have to start Easter morning that way, but we needed to do it and at least it was pretty with the flowers and the the weather was warm and sunny so at least there wasn't a feeling of impending doom or something.

Despite my nursery committee duties I managed to make it through most of the Easter service (though I missed part of the sermon taking the girls to the bathroom) and the only minor mishap was the loss of one of our pagers. Though I didn't particularly enjoy spending the whole of the fellowship time after service crawling around on the floor of the auditorium looking for it and walking up and down listening for it as it was paged over and over, it was rather minor compared to all the things that could have happened. The weather was beautiful and we didn't even need sweaters in the morning, a first in the history of Easter around here.

After a brief, light, lunch, we headed to my dad's which is where I had the first inkling that maybe this was going to be harder than I thought. The preparation of dinner fell soley on my shoulders with my husband watching the kids and my dad helping with things like setting the table, putting lawn furniture out for people outside and working on clean-up. None of the kids took a nap. L had fallen asleep briefly in nursery and that killed his nap prospects. The other two were just too worked up, tough at least the kids were able to spend the afternoon running around the backyard in shorts and t-shirts while I baked two cakes and rolls, heated the ham and made three side dishes. The food prep went better than expected and all was pretty much served on time, but I was tired from being on my feet and getting no nap. I did have to take a couple breaks where I sat and waited for thinks to bake or cook or snipped beans or whatever needed to be waited for at the time.

It was after dinner that all started to head south. L had taken a late, during dinner nap and woke up freaking out, something he never really stopped doing until later after he'd had a long bath at home and been laid down in his crib for the second attempt at bedtime. The girls were so wound up from the sugar that they couldn't stop bouncing off the walls and couldn't even follow simple directions. I was tired and I think my dad was frustrated by all the end work of the meal that I ended up not being able to help with because of dealing with the kids. C had to oversee and ended up doing 2/3 of the pick up of all the mess they'd made while playing after dinner. I left feeling tired, discouraged and down and cried half of the way home.

I know that my hormones and emotions play a big role in how I perceive everything, as does this horrible lack of sleep. I'm tired of waking up like this during the night and being unable to sleep and losing hours of my precious sleep time to tossing, turning, and agonizing over various things since my mind refuses to shut down. Still, I just can't help but feel that things wouldn't have been this way if Mom had been around. I think having P and A would have helped too, but they are still half-way across the country.

Happy Easter to all. I hope it was a happier and an easier one than mine.

Storms

Tonight I am sleepless again, despite my exhaustion. I eventually fell asleep, but now I'm awake again and facing who knows how many hours of a sleepless night. It's a much quieter night than a week ago. Last Thursday night we were assailed by a tremendous wind and rain storm where winds here reached 70mph, downing trees, strewing branches, ripping off some of our siding, knocking off the top of our chimney, ripping roof tiles from the church across the street and smashing Chris's rear car windshield. It was wild and frightening. The siding and tree branches were banging so loudly and the wind was so dangerous, we moved our mattress, ourselves and all three kids to the dining room for the night. We fully expected a branch or some other object to come ripping through one of the many bedroom windows. We lost power and spent last Friday tired, cold and trying to keep the fridge and freezer cold. Our power was only out a night and a day, my dad's house was out for two. It was a freak storm to come this time of year in this form, but considering the earthquakes and Tsunami, not to mention the inches of snow in places like Atlanta and Dallas this winter as well as DC being buried under storm after storm, I'd say the weather has gone mad this season or we're facing a mini Armageddon!

My own biggest personal storm seems to be fighting my demons as I lie awake and unsleeping at night. This past week has been especially bad with two really bad nights (including tonight) and one night of good sleep, only to be followed by an entire morning of grogginess. Melatonin may or may not help. The over the counter sleep meds I can take a half dose of here and there help, but leave me in that groggy state for much longer than they should. My body has always reacted differently to many drugs. Right now is tough. I'm facing the triple challenge of genetics, a bit of PTSS and hormones, all of which contribute to my sleepless nights and prolonged waking. Often it happens because one of the kids wakes me up and I can't fall back asleep. Tonight I never really fell into a deep sleep and then woke up on my own. Considering the full schedule on my plate tomorrow of pick up and drop offs, errands and doctor's appointments, it's going to be a long day if I don't get much rest.

I know how sleep deprivation affects me. I know that my entire outlook on life is tainted in an ugly, hopeless way when I am tired and exhausted. Yet I seem helpless to control it or the feelings of sadness, frustrations, discouragement, loneliness, anxiety and low self-esteem that usually accompany it. All the little things seem magnified and my patience becomes non-existent. Honestly, I don't see a solution. Somehow I think even the strictest regiment of sleep meds, meditation, quiet bedtime routine etc won't really help. I wish I knew what to do, how to change this part of my life that leaves me drained of happiness, energy and will to get the tough things done. I feel like crying out, "Are you out there, God? Can you hear me? You're supposed to be the Great Physician and Healer, can't you fix this?"