Storms

Tonight I am sleepless again, despite my exhaustion. I eventually fell asleep, but now I'm awake again and facing who knows how many hours of a sleepless night. It's a much quieter night than a week ago. Last Thursday night we were assailed by a tremendous wind and rain storm where winds here reached 70mph, downing trees, strewing branches, ripping off some of our siding, knocking off the top of our chimney, ripping roof tiles from the church across the street and smashing Chris's rear car windshield. It was wild and frightening. The siding and tree branches were banging so loudly and the wind was so dangerous, we moved our mattress, ourselves and all three kids to the dining room for the night. We fully expected a branch or some other object to come ripping through one of the many bedroom windows. We lost power and spent last Friday tired, cold and trying to keep the fridge and freezer cold. Our power was only out a night and a day, my dad's house was out for two. It was a freak storm to come this time of year in this form, but considering the earthquakes and Tsunami, not to mention the inches of snow in places like Atlanta and Dallas this winter as well as DC being buried under storm after storm, I'd say the weather has gone mad this season or we're facing a mini Armageddon!

My own biggest personal storm seems to be fighting my demons as I lie awake and unsleeping at night. This past week has been especially bad with two really bad nights (including tonight) and one night of good sleep, only to be followed by an entire morning of grogginess. Melatonin may or may not help. The over the counter sleep meds I can take a half dose of here and there help, but leave me in that groggy state for much longer than they should. My body has always reacted differently to many drugs. Right now is tough. I'm facing the triple challenge of genetics, a bit of PTSS and hormones, all of which contribute to my sleepless nights and prolonged waking. Often it happens because one of the kids wakes me up and I can't fall back asleep. Tonight I never really fell into a deep sleep and then woke up on my own. Considering the full schedule on my plate tomorrow of pick up and drop offs, errands and doctor's appointments, it's going to be a long day if I don't get much rest.

I know how sleep deprivation affects me. I know that my entire outlook on life is tainted in an ugly, hopeless way when I am tired and exhausted. Yet I seem helpless to control it or the feelings of sadness, frustrations, discouragement, loneliness, anxiety and low self-esteem that usually accompany it. All the little things seem magnified and my patience becomes non-existent. Honestly, I don't see a solution. Somehow I think even the strictest regiment of sleep meds, meditation, quiet bedtime routine etc won't really help. I wish I knew what to do, how to change this part of my life that leaves me drained of happiness, energy and will to get the tough things done. I feel like crying out, "Are you out there, God? Can you hear me? You're supposed to be the Great Physician and Healer, can't you fix this?"