1 year

You didn't think I wouldn't post today, did you? Of course I am. I gave my testimony at the Women's' Retreat on Saturday and it actually went really well...part of the healing process I think. I also knew that I had the support and prayers of many behind me.

But that was then and today is today. The memories have flooded back over the past 24 hours and I'm sure will continue to do so over the next few days. I suppose I should tell the story - it's out now that I talked about it on Saturday - but I'm not really up for it tonight. Maybe I'll write it out tomorrow, maybe another day. But it has been one year since I last saw my mom alive and vibrant, talked to her, hugged her, enjoyed time with her. She may have died in May but I lost her an year ago tonight. I just hope I don't hear any sirens tonight (we live near the fire station) because if I do I'm sure to have nightmares.

People have been kind. I've received notes and e-mails as well as words of encouragement in person. People received my testimony so kindly and have been sensitive to the tough anniversary that this is. If you are one of those people, thank you.

I didn't do as much as I should have today. I thought tomorrow would be harder, but today was surprisingly difficult. Tomorrow I have no great aspirations. I have someone bringing us breakfast and I plan to read, sleep, cry, eat or whatever I need to do. Do I sound pathetic? I call it coping and I think I'm allowed to be that way for a day. I still have to care for my children so I won't be a completely unproductive member of society. I just need to be able to chill.

The Next Two Weeks

The next two weeks are going to be difficult. Saturday evening I'm giving my testimony at the women's Retreat. Sunday is the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death. The 28th is the anniversary of the accident and the 29th is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. November 1st is my brother's 1st wedding anniversary. I'm trying to plan good things and come up with ways to make it easier, but I am really dreading it all.

Today I bought flower bulbs to plant at the cemetery. It would have been fun if not for the reason I was doing the purchasing. The girls enjoyed the myriads of flower photos next to their bins of bulbs. On Thursday I have to plant them. That is going to be harder. I would have never done that sort of thing without my mom. Hopefully I'm going to have some help that afternoon.

Fighting Discontent

Lately I've found myself thinking back to where I was a year ago and I recall all the difficulties we were experiencing. Back then everything seemed so darn frustrating and while we certainly had a number of weighty concerns on our plate, they were of course nothing compared to the life-changing traumatic event that was to soon take place. Back then I think I was very petty, very bitter, very angry, moreover -very discontent.

I wish I could say that life's weighty experiences have taught me to be completely transformed, but I'm not there. While I've certainly tasted hard lessons in thankfulness, grace and God's provision, I still find myself sliding into that uneasy feeling of being unhappy with how things are happening and where we are going. The temptation is to blame it all on grief, sadness and loss, excusing my feelings as being both legitimate and allowable. While they certainly are legit, however, my feelings of brokenheartedness of even disappointment in God are not an excuse for sliding back into feelings of self-pity, anger and frustration at how things are not going according to my desired life plan. I suppose it shows some improvement that I can recognize all of this in myself, but it doesn't seem to make finding contentedness and peace any easier.

So often I find myself bemoaning the piles of stuff we own and longing to simplify. I think there is a lot to be said for not allowing our possessions to own us and finding joy in the little things. I' trying to do that, but it isn't easy, especially when so many previously mundane items now have extreme sentimentality tied up in them because of the relationship to my mother. It is going to take me a long time to be able to "let go" of certain things, especially those that are being newly discovered and delivered to my door via my father on a somewhat haphazard, but regular basis. In the meantime I am fighting really hard to be grateful for what I have, rejoice in little things and savor the happy moments I experience.

Waiting for Retrospection

The problem with living in the wake of a major life tragedy is that even if you want to "get over the hump" so to speak it doesn't just happen. I really want to get to the other side of this emotional and spiritual desert where I may not have complete understanding of the whys but at least I can see how God may have used some aspect of everything for good. But you can't rush these things, and that has been a huge frustration to me. I don't want to be stuck in a spiritual desert. I want to be in green pastures giving a powerful testimony to people around me. Unfortunately the time line is not my own, it's God's.

This week I finally found some encouragement in the midst of this particular frustration. Five and half years ago after having some minor trouble getting pregnant I had an ectopic pregnancy and ended up not only losing the baby but possibly the chance of ever having my own children. During that time I was struggling with anger, frustration and a profound grief. I didn't understand why God would not only take away my tiny unborn baby, but also my chance to ever be a mother. As you know if you know me, God was ultimately sovereign and today I have three beautiful children, all amazing miracles in my opinion. At the time I couldn't see how God could possibly bring anything good out of the situation, but in fact he did. I can't say how many friends and acquaintances I have been able to talk to, empathize with and comfort in regards to pregnancy loss and infertility. In fact, in the past week and half I've had conversations with or written to two people on these subjects. God has given me a testimony and the ability to use something very sad and difficult in my own life to help others. It is this that gives me hope that some day I'll be able to use all of the horrible experiences of the past year to give testimony and help others.

The Family Curse...

...is not sleeping. It's 5:45 in the morning and I finally gave up. I've been awake since 4:30 when my2 1/2 year old, who was sleeping on the floor of our room due to nightmares, rolled under the bed and woke me up crying with, "Mommy, I'm stuck!" She went back to sleep, I did not.

I wish I could blame the accident etc for my lack of sleep and while it does contribute to the problem, it isn't solely to blame. My family genetics seem to have a mutant gene when it comes to sleep. I'm a light sleeper and when I'm forced to get out of bed during the night, it's a toss up whether I'll be so exhausted I'll crash again or if my brain will engage and start racing all over the place in a haphazard and dizzying fashion. It is maddening to be awake for no reason when I'm already so tired so much of the time and it only serves to undermine my patience, my ability to function and my emotional well-being.

This is a good time though. While I may have tossed and turned restlessly for over an hour I didn't work myself into a panic, experience flashbacks or start crying. My head aches fiercely, but lately that's been happening a lot. I don't know if my lack of "freaking" is a result of time and healing or just that my general lack of sleep (dues mainly to kids and trying to accomplish too much) has dulled my brain to the point where it is limited in it's ability to go into overdrive. Either way I'm at least grateful for that.