Just Can't Say No

My mom was not good at saying, "no" to people. Oh she had gotten a little better over the years, but she still tried to do a lot. I like to think that I do say "no" more often than she did, but now I realize I don't. I'm a sucker for a fun project and I feel bad not helping someone out. No wonder she was so stressed. No wonder I am so stressed. I am always behind and my house is always a mess...that sounds familiar too. Maybe I'll never learn...

Impossible Expectations

I think my mom always put too much on herself at the holidays, but I understand, because I'm doing it too. And on top of my own list of to dos, I feel like I have to fill her shoes in some respects as well. My close family have been telling me not to do too much and I don't have to be Mom, but I feel like if I don't do such and such, then who will? Now I'm exhausted, sick and stressed. I want to enjoy this season and instead I'm just trying to get through it. I seem to feel obligated to do everything and yet so many things I don't have a choice about. How do I make it all simple? Isn't that what Mom was trying to figure out for the past who knows how many years? She never did figure it out. How am I supposed to?

On top of the stress and sickness is also the sadness. As I attempt to plow my way through each day I find myself alternating among, stress and anxiety, comfort and joy and tears of grief. The other night my eldest said she couldn't remember what Nana looked like anymore and it about broke my heart. I whipped out a photo album lickity split, but I wanted to weep that this day had finally come.

Acknowledging Mom's Sacrifice

I never fully understood just how much work a mother does, just how much of herself, her time, etc she gives up for her children until I had kids of my own. It saddens me that just as I was really starting to understand my mother better than I ever had before, just as we were really becoming best friends because we finally understood each other - she was taken from me.

I have missed my mom and appreciated just how much she did for all of us, especially the past couple of weeks. This weekend, especially has been miserable for me as I came down with a nasty cold complete with sore throat, head ache, congestion and body aches. I spent most of yesterday either in bed or on the futon staring aimlessly at Christmas Television specials, a tribute to just how bad I was feeling. Usually when I'm sick I like to indulge my passion for reading, but my head has hurt so badly and my eyes have stung so much that the only thing I was able to force my way through was a chapter in the Bible and a short chapter in a prayer book. Today I felt awful too, missing church AGAIN as well as my oldest daughter's singing debut at the Christmas Singing program tonight at church. Despite my misery I still went to my Dad's and helped decorate a tree, baked a cake and corn pudding for my grandfather's birthday tomorrow, fed my son and got him to bed, collected, sorted and started laundry and did all of the dishes for the past two days. It's insane that I would push myself to do all of that when I feel so yucky, horrible, but my family needs me. What else was I to do?

It isn't just the being sick though, it's the craziness of the holidays. First it was Thanksgiving dinner. Now it is wrapping gifts, getting teach gifts together, sending Christmas cards and baking about a zillion cookies. I've already made 4 kinds and somehow I need to make two more large batches for a school Christmas party and Women's Christmas evening, both of them on Wednesday. Oh and did I mention we're going to be gone all day Tuesday? How did my mother do it all?

Okay, she didn't do it all. She often paid extra shipping to get packages to out of town family on time. She usually had me helping with cookies and one year the sugar cookies didn't get iced until New Years when she gave the task to my brother and sister-in-law (then his girlfriend), a scary prospect considering most of the little cookie people ended up with huge red cinnamon eyes. Mom's presents were never under the tree until Christmas morning. She stayed up half the night on Christmas eve, wrapping gifts and doing stockings and even then half her gifts didn't have tags. She got to the point where she threw most things in a bag because it was faster, easier and she could peek under the tissue paper if she forgot what the gift was or who it was for!

But despite her inability to provide all the Christmas amenities in a perfect manner, she had what really mattered...a loving heart, a listening ear, a giving spirit. She was always finding ways to help people who needed it during the holidays. She knew that the real meaning of Christmas was not about tinsel or parties or gifts or cookies or gourmet meals, but about a tiny baby born in Bethlehem who came to save us all. She lived her life, giving and sacrificing in joy and gratefulness for what her saviour had done for her. I can only hope to achieve her level of sacrifice some far distant day in the future. So thanks, Mom, thanks for everything. I miss you and I love you and Christmas is so much harder without you, but I won't forget the things you taught me and hopefully they will make my Christmas season a little easier this year.

Holiday Blues

This year's holiday season is a lot harder than I expected. I know that the first holidays after losing a loved one are supposed to be difficult, but because of the extremely difficult circumstances last year, I expected it be different. I was so wrong. Last year I didn't do a lot of usual traditions or activities. I was just trying to get by. I didn't even want to celebrate Christmas. I honestly wanted to skip it. I also had a new baby, which tends to slow one down. This year I am trying to do all of the usual activities and it's killing me emotionally. I pull out decorations, I cry. I listen to Christmas music, I cry. I do anything related to Christmas traditions, I cry. Sometimes I don't cry. Sometimes I decide that it's an inappropriate time or place or I don't want to upset my kids and I shove it down inside. Later it comes back out as anger. I've been so ridiculously angry lately. It's resulted in impatience, angry words etc. It has not been a good couple of weeks and I still have so far to go to get through the season. I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. I want to be better. I want to be full of joy and peace and patience and kindness. I want my kids to be able to enjoy the season, not to have to live with a psycho-emotional mom who is doing a crappy job of parenting at the moment.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm discouraged. Fighting the battles of life is never easy, but this year I feel like I've been forced to fight more than my share. Sometimes it seems however long and hard I pray, I hear nothing. I wonder if anyone else is feeling that way this season.

Luke's First Birthday

Happy first birthday to my amazing son. He arrived at the most difficult time in my life and motivated me in so many ways to keep going and keep taking care of myself. I am so thankful for him. I still can't believe a whole year has gone by. At the time of his birth we seemed frozen in a living nightmare. I still can't believe that his Nana wasn't here to watch him turn one, see him crawl around chasing balloons, watch him open gifts and spread tissue paper, laugh at him eating cake. It's an ache that will never really go away, though it does lessen. Significant dates eventually become less painful and we create new traditions and new ways of doing things. So here's to another year every bit as precious, but hopefully not as hard.