The Perils of Night

I just looked up at the calendar and saw that it has been exactly 2 months since my mom died, 9 since the accident. Has it really been that long? What took only seconds to shatter my world will now take weeks, months, years to recover from. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel normal again.

I know, I'm not the only person to lose a parent. I get that, but this was worse than death plus death, all wrapped into one big, ugly package. People don't know, they don't understand the ramifications of the emotional trauma, the weight of my thoughts, actions, decisions, hopes, fears etc. Nine months out and I still have flashbacks, moments of panic, times when I feel paralyzed. I don't sleep well, none of us do. I stay up too late because if I go to bed before I'm absolutely exhausted, I'll lie in bed, my mind will start remembering things and I'll freak out.

Speaking of freaking, I feel like a freak myself. I'm pretty sure none of you would call me one to my face but I'm downright paranoid that it's what people would think if you all knew...knew that I suffer from anxiety and likely mini panic attacks. I wasn't even in the car and yet somehow that doesn't seem to have made the difference. Irrational worries and fears, they used to be something to joke about, but not any more.

I miss my mom. Sometimes I miss her so badly it feels like I'm being ripped apart. I feel sad and angry and desperate all at the same time. I want to bargain with God, "Please, please, PLEASE give her back! I just want my mom back!" I'm dealing with some tricky situations, some issues that I don't know how to handle and I need her advice. I keep wondering what she would do and then wonder again whether she'd advise me to do what I think she'd do or whether she'd think I should do something different. Confused yet? Try being me. No one can replace my mom no matter how loving or kind or wise he or she is. No one can give her advice.

We're leaving in two days to drive halfway across the country again for a wedding. Hmm, sounds strangely familiar and yes, it's the same route we took before, we're just going a little further...same towns, same roads, same rest stops. The girls will use the same lap boards and DVD player bought by my mom for that last trip. Do you see where this is going? I can't even think about it for very long without my heart rate increasing and my body starting to feel shaky.

Shaky, a good word to describe me right now. Oh I put up a good facade, an excellent facade really. I am in control, meaning I am plowing through the pain and fear and I don't let everything control me and my life so that I can't function. It's still there though, very real...panic, nightmares, rapid hear rate, trouble breathing...and sometimes it's something random that sets me off. The other night I tried to watch a very graphic (realistic) movie. It comes highly recommended and even won and award, but I couldn't handle it. I freaked out..yes, really freaked out complete with shallow breathing, accelerated heart rate and tears and didn't know why it was happening. It was brutal, scary and utterly humiliating. After my husband got me calmed down (and turned off the movie) it took me another few hours before I could settle down enough to sleep. I kept waiting for him to act repulsed or at least weirded out by it all, but he didn't. He's not like that. Do you think less of me now, Reader? I wonder. Maybe I should lie or at least not be so brutally honest, but then what would be the point of this blog?

A Hard Week

The Fourth of July weekend ended up being a lot harder than I thought it would be. For our family it has always been so steeped in tradition that having my mom missing seemed painfully obvious, especially as the one trying to fill her shoes in so many ways. I made it through okay, but it hurt and this past week I have been grieving harder than I have in a while. The smallest things have brought a tightness to my chest or made me burst into tears.

We're going back to the lake for a long weekend starting Wednesday night and I hope it will be good for all of us. I want to buy some annuals to plant where my mom always did so the rock-ringed beds don't look so empty. It also makes me feel better knowing my dad won't be alone. I have a harder time when I know he's away and by himself...after all, anyone who has an affinity for the adventures he's encountered could find who knows what sort of situation to get tangled in...thank goodness he's such a good sailor in that sailboat of his!

As I said before, a hard week. Sometimes I feel paralyzed and unable to do anything. Sometimes I'm driven to frenzied activity. Sometimes I just ache, sometimes I feel downright depressed. I know it's all normal, but the knowing doesn't change the feeling.