Why are You Crying, Mommy?

Too many times lately I've heard this question from my little girls...my baby boy usually laughs when I cry because at 5 1/2 months he can't tell the difference between laughing and crying. My oldest daughter, however, is quite bright and usually ends up asking, "Why are you crying, Mommy? Do you miss Nana?" It breaks my heart, especially when she adds with downcast eyes, "I miss Nana too," to which I usually choke out, "I know" and then start crying harder. My eldest's relationship with my mom was something really special. They responded to each other and according to my Nana, they have very similar personalities. The thought of that loss...well, it usually seems greater than my own. Today was the pinnacle of bittersweet in that relationship. We were at the hospital visiting my mom and my daughter was with my husband by my mom talking to her and asked for lotion. (I'm not entirely sure how this came about because I was distracted by a hungry baby and a tired, cranky 2 year old.) The next thing I knew my husband and I were watching our almost four-year-old daughter lovingly and carefully rub lotion onto her Nana's arms. Tears were falling freely on both of our faces. The picture of a little girl's love for her Nana demonstrated in the only way she knew how (besides the myriad of sticker laden cards) was enough to move the hardest heart, let alone a tender broken one. I wish I had the words to adequately describe the pain and beauty of that moment.

When you fear the end is near...

Yes, Mother's Day was hard, really hard, but it's all water under the bridge now. My mom has double pneumonia and she's dying, not that that's anything new. The person who she was died the day the accident happened. Her physical body has been slowly dying since. I've known it was coming all along, but now that it seems to be almost here I wonder, am I really strong enough to survive this?