Waste of time...

I'm pretty sure blogging on here is a waste of my time. Very few people even read this and yet I still have to be paranoid about what I write because if I'm too deep or real about my feelings people think I'm freakin' suicidal or something crazy like that. I guess most people really have no idea what it is like to have your whole world, your whole life, everything you think, believe, hope - turned upside down on you. Add to it the pressures of being a mom of three very young children, a husband who commutes a long way to work, people who say they want to be involved in your life but aren't, pregnancy hormones and ills and insomnia and you have a regular recipe for disaster in the form of loneliness, discouragement and sadness. I really want to be clinically depressed so someone can give me a pill and make me snap out of it, but I really don't think I am. I am so tired and discouraged most days that little things become big deals but I am neither unable to function daily tasks or suicidal. I am just miserable. I love my husband, I love my kids. Without them I would be nothing right now, but all the little ills and discouragements saturated with sadness and loss and feelings of helplessness and worthlessness and inability to control anything so permeate my life that I can't even enjoy the beautiful blessings I do have. It's sad, but I don't really know what to do about it or who to talk to. My husband listens and advises, but I don't listen well to him because I am so close to him. I feel like a burden to those around me, either being realistic and discouraging or a faker covering up and pretending. I'm worried I'm going to screw up my kids with my own thoughts and mental misconceptions. It's a tough life right now.

So you want to know how I'm doing...

I have a lot of people ask me that question, "So how are you doing?" Here's the crux of the matter. I could tell you how I'm "really" doing, but most of you don't merit that sort of answer. The depths of the emotions and feelings I have experienced over the past year and a half have been beyond even what I know how to cope with. And the truth is, it is very difficult for me to be completely honest with the vast numbers of people who seem to pop in and out of my life on such a spontaneous basis that it makes my head spin.

I know that all of us as human beings live busy lives and have things that come up, but if you want to be in my life, please make it somewhat consistent and please communicate with me that you're busy when you are. I can't bare my heart and soul to people who disappear or aren't around when they say they will be. It just hurts too much. I miss my mom like crazy and I'm so lonely. There are days when my kids seem out of control and all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my mom, but I can't, and usually I go through a mental list of who to call and can't figure out someone. It's days like that that leave me discouraged and lower than before.

Easter

The bulbs I planted last fall at my mother's grave are in bloom, at least the crocuses and daffodils are. The tulips and hyacinths will bloom in a little while. The kids and I placed and extra batch of cut daffodils in the "vase" at the headstone on Friday and the whole family stopped by on our way to church yesterday. It seems unfair to have to start Easter morning that way, but we needed to do it and at least it was pretty with the flowers and the the weather was warm and sunny so at least there wasn't a feeling of impending doom or something.

Despite my nursery committee duties I managed to make it through most of the Easter service (though I missed part of the sermon taking the girls to the bathroom) and the only minor mishap was the loss of one of our pagers. Though I didn't particularly enjoy spending the whole of the fellowship time after service crawling around on the floor of the auditorium looking for it and walking up and down listening for it as it was paged over and over, it was rather minor compared to all the things that could have happened. The weather was beautiful and we didn't even need sweaters in the morning, a first in the history of Easter around here.

After a brief, light, lunch, we headed to my dad's which is where I had the first inkling that maybe this was going to be harder than I thought. The preparation of dinner fell soley on my shoulders with my husband watching the kids and my dad helping with things like setting the table, putting lawn furniture out for people outside and working on clean-up. None of the kids took a nap. L had fallen asleep briefly in nursery and that killed his nap prospects. The other two were just too worked up, tough at least the kids were able to spend the afternoon running around the backyard in shorts and t-shirts while I baked two cakes and rolls, heated the ham and made three side dishes. The food prep went better than expected and all was pretty much served on time, but I was tired from being on my feet and getting no nap. I did have to take a couple breaks where I sat and waited for thinks to bake or cook or snipped beans or whatever needed to be waited for at the time.

It was after dinner that all started to head south. L had taken a late, during dinner nap and woke up freaking out, something he never really stopped doing until later after he'd had a long bath at home and been laid down in his crib for the second attempt at bedtime. The girls were so wound up from the sugar that they couldn't stop bouncing off the walls and couldn't even follow simple directions. I was tired and I think my dad was frustrated by all the end work of the meal that I ended up not being able to help with because of dealing with the kids. C had to oversee and ended up doing 2/3 of the pick up of all the mess they'd made while playing after dinner. I left feeling tired, discouraged and down and cried half of the way home.

I know that my hormones and emotions play a big role in how I perceive everything, as does this horrible lack of sleep. I'm tired of waking up like this during the night and being unable to sleep and losing hours of my precious sleep time to tossing, turning, and agonizing over various things since my mind refuses to shut down. Still, I just can't help but feel that things wouldn't have been this way if Mom had been around. I think having P and A would have helped too, but they are still half-way across the country.

Happy Easter to all. I hope it was a happier and an easier one than mine.