This Week

This week was a tough week. We had another family tragedy. One week ago my cousin called my dad very upset because after not hearing from her mom for two days she went to her house and found her on the couch unresponsive. She called 911 and at the hospital it was determined my aunt had had a major stroke. She died later that afternoon. She was only 59. Technically my cousin is my second cousin and my aunt is my dad's first cousin, but growing up they and my great aunt spent just about every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter with us. We saw them more than any of our other family.

I'll be honest,it could have been a lot worse and either the fact that I hadn't seen my aunt a lot recently or maybe the fact that I've hardened myself somewhat to death and tragedy in the past couple years meant I handled the whole thing very well...well, sort of. It's amazing what the subconscious does when you've experienced similar trauma. Emotionally I had a rough week and little things felt a lot bigger. I felt sad and down a lot and even had a couple of small anxiety attacks for no obvious reason. I had more trouble falling asleep, images that wouldn't leave me head and thoughts I didn't want to have. My heart bled for my cousin, knowing exactly what it feel like to lose a mother and in her case being an only child. When her son, the same age as my oldest daughter said he missed his Grammie at the funeral service the tears welled up as I thought of my own girls saying they missed their Nana so many times in the past year.

My family certainly seems to be getting the short end of the stick in recent years. It seems unfair but what can I do about it? I am not happy about it and I still feel anger and lots of sadness and discouragement, but at least I feel like I am finally experiencing glimpses of something, not understanding and not happiness but maybe some peace or contentment that I cannot have answers.

My aunt's funeral was done by one of the generic funeral directors and I wasn't thrilled about everything he said. It sounded like a lot of fluff to me to be honest. The thing that really got to me though was something he said about knowing God so we can allow him to comfort us, love us and give us understanding about why these things happen. WOW, okay, let's just stop right there. God does NOT just give us answers like that. He does not sit us down during personal devotions or prayer time and say, "Hey, here's why I allowed these horrible things to happen in my grand plan and here are all the benefits." He may give us peace, maybe contentment (maybe), and perhaps even glimpses of things that do result in His blessings and glory, but He isn't going to give us straight answers. He is God and as such his wisdom and purposes are beyond our understanding. This side of Heaven we won't know why things happen other than that there is sin and we live in a fallen world where bad things can and will happen.

Those are my thoughts for this week. I expect at least the next couple to still be difficult and the approaching anniversary of my mom's death won't help, but hopefully I can get through it with minimal damage and set-backs. I do wish, however, that people would keep reminding me what a difficult month this must be for me. I am well aware of it without the reminders and while I know people mean well, sometimes it's harder to have people keep bringing it up.